It’s all in the apostrophe.

So Tara figured it out. It’s all in Inman’s grammar. His apostrophes are secret codes to incite rebellion and empower the Illuminati. His fixation with the English language betrays his knowledge of the “truth” language that can subvert the government and stop your taxation. These apostrophes here and there, not here nor there, they are a code. If we can break this code we could never pay a bill again. I hate paying bills, and when I fall late on them, I sue. See people don’t realize that about me sometimes.  My therapist explained it to me well one day. This is how I work:

  1. Get idea.
  2. Take brash action.
  3. Fail.
  4. Blame others.
  5. Sue.

It’s a simple blueprint that I repeat over and over, and it feels like I can’t stop. Like the time I built a house without a permit to use the land. Then when I got cited and eventually had to demolish the structure, I…. SUED. However unfortunately I lost that case because Oregon colluded to keep a Tyrannosaurus Rex away from me. They even had the gall to say that were no live dinosaurs in Oregon… typical CIA answers. You know what they say… Haters going to hate, Slater’s going to slate, and I’m going to slate.

Judging Your Grammar Nazism,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Know thy enemy.

So we know for sure now, that Matthew Inman is part of a broader Nazi Illuminati Luciferist CIA Mafia conspiracy against us. For dinosaur’s sake the guy’s mom is part of an elite group of Nazi Mystics, his father is a menace to society, and they divorced in order to throw people off the scent of their ultimate plan. What was that ultimate plan? To undermine our very existence and split this country in two. To force our people into a quagmire from which there is no return. In other words, the Inman’s are directly responsible for SCOTUS upholding ObamaCare. That is right. Look what’s happening! People are threatening to move from our country to Canada to escape socialist health care.

I told you the Illuminati are trying to drive good people out of this country so that the Pterodactyl gang can take over and institute their cannibal policies. Do you really want to see people eating babies? No. So stand with me and demand that our court system give me all the proceeds from the IndieGoGo BearLove Campaign. This is why I have asked the courts to place a restraining order on IndieGoGo from delivering the money to the cannibal campaign. Stand with me people of America. Send me your dinosaurs, so that I may vanquish our evil foe. For the Tyrannosaurus Rex!!!

Tara’s Sock Puppet,

Charles Carreon Esq.

What does it take to get in this family?

Maybe being a Carreon isn’t what it’s cut out to be after all. It seems to me being a Nilan is where the dinosauce(R) is. Take Meredith Nilan for instance, this girl goes around hitting people with her car one night and then doesn’t even stop, what happens to her? Nothing. Yeah that’s right. Clifford J. Nilan, Chief Probation Officer of the Berkshire Superior Court is her pops, her daddy-o, her old man. It pays knowing people in the court, I bet I could subjugate many a blogger for dinosaurs if I had someone like that in my corner. The best part? The only guy blogging about it not only gets ordered to stop, but has to delete all his old posts. I mean these Nilans got dinosaur blood running through their veins.

Nilan’s attorney sought dismissal when court documents from her case mysteriously disappeared. 

Imagine if I could just wipe out any court documents I wanted? I COULD SUE ANYONE FOR ANYTHING! If things started going south, dad’s got your back, the case never happened. He’s like a court case assassin. Then when they are like “our court documents are missing” and accuse me, I sue for defamation! I wonder if I could preemptively trademark Charles Nilan… how does Tara Nilan sound? Imagine the power. Bad decisions without culpability? I could repeatedly double-down into a swirling vortex of dinosaur litigious rage…

Contemplative,

Charles Carreon Nilan Esq.

Carreon Luggage.

Well since I’ve been inundated with publicity and the likes I thought it was time to capitalize on it and create my very first consumer products line! Today I humbly submit to you my new brand of travel accessories called Carreon Luggage. See I’ve been married to a… special person for many years, so I know all about the hassles of dragging dead weight around. I also am known for filing litigation for just about any reason any where, so my slogan is going to be “We get your shit where it’s going. Carreon Luggage.” I believe that by leveraging my new found fame I will be able to monetize it and then take the money and dinotize(R) it. I have brought this idea to two separate firms so far and they’ve turned me down, which further proves the Mafia CIA Illuminati Luciferist conspiracy against me. So I ask that you all please begin placing funds in a trust that I will manage, and we’ll split profits accordingly. Once we have the initial investment down, I will contact my supporters in Asia to begin production of the Luggage which will be sold at flea markets and by street vendors. If anything goes wrong with the initial strategy, we’ll blame someone else for our failings and sue them to recuperate at least $200,000. If anyone writes a review critical of our prices or quality, we’ll sue them too for lost dinosaur profits. This will work….

Entrepreneur Awesomeness,

Charles Carreon Esq.

I am big in Asia.

So I can’t read Chinese but I’m pretty sure this article says how awesome I am. It’s probably full of factual accounts of how I am a champion of freedom. I bet it’s talking about how I am standing up for decency by stopping charities from receiving over $200k because the people donating were angry. You can’t donate angry. You can only donate while riding unicorns that shit skittles. You certainly can’t donate to make me look like a fool. I think 99% of America wants me to stop this Inman character and his Cash Christ mentality. I can’t believe he can just go around bribing bears and cancer patients with no remorse or moral compass. What next? Politicians taking bribes to insert amendments to laws? It’s really only a very vocal minority that keeps slandering me. Calling me all sorts of terrible names, like “Charles Carreon” and “Jack Thompson.” The only thing I don’t get is what the hell does Barbara Streisand have to do with it? Either way it is time to go full Rakofsky.

All I know is that when this is all over, I am going to take my $220,024 plus attorney fees and go to Asia where I can get a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t. I heard they find Tyrannosaurus Rex fossils in Mongolia all the time. Does anyone know how much a live Tyrannosaurus Rex would set me back? I bet China would be a great place to silence your critics

Hello Hainan,

Charles Carreon Esq.

I don’t see any f’ing dinosaurs people.

All right. Enough is enough. People keep going and spouting off my name like it’s okay to run around and infringe my trademark. I tell you what, until I see some fucking Tyrannosaurs running around my back yard you should all just shut your mouth up. Shit just got real. If you don’t stop using my name immediately. You will suffer the below remedies.

  1. I will sue you for no less than $1,000,000
  2. I will take your domain names and point them at this blog.
  3. I will obtain pictures of your face for Tara’s art
  4. I will make you watch this video for 10 days nonstop.
  5. I will make you clean up dinosaur poop, when I indeed secure dinosaurs.

I am serious people. My name is unspeakable without express written consent. If you write it down, that’s like speaking it forever. So really, I am entitled to infinity damages. Also I am offering a $500 reward to anyone who can link me to someone using my name. I need more lawsuits. More.

Not Going To Take It,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Oh yes she did.

Donate.

This week the Internet watched as an attorney tried to halt charitable giving and attack the First Amendment rights of a web comic, because said attorney’s feelings were hurt.  What started as an amazing charity, which proved beyond a shadow of doubt the lengths the Internet is willing to go to preserve our rights to freedom of speech and help out great causes in the process, quickly became a legal circus, with the butthurt attorney as the ring leader.  As a result of his legal shenanigans two charities that might have received sizable donations, now will not.

I find myself at a loss for words.

Why can’t I get my $200,000 without such a hassle? I have been vilified by the gestapo press and the Cannibal Kids out there. I have had this Ann lady call me a clothespin eater. I’ve had my peers shoot down my every legal theory. I just… I’m not feeling so high on life right now.

I leave you with some words from Tara:

And these Yellow Journalists say that’s how the “INTERNET” works. That’s not how the “INTERNET” works, it’s how it doesn’t work. These Yellow Journalists want to give the Internet to Loki. This attack against FunnyJunk and Charles Carreon is an attack against law and order. Matt Inman is an Internet anarchist. Fascists always love an anarchist. And the Journalists are part of the conspiracy, egging everyone on with their hate headlines, and advice for everyone to get crazy and ATTACK, ATTACK, ATTACK! There’s something very bad going on here, which greatly benefits the Publishing Industry, and the copyright chicken hawks. And I don’t know why we can’t get a simple yes or no from ANYONE about whether Matt Robert Inman is related to Bobby Ray Inman. Apparently, every journalist in the world doesn’t seem to think that knowing WHO Matt Inman is is important. He’s a man without parents, brothers and sisters, or childhood friends. A man without a past, just like Barack Obama. Sure, there’s lots of famous people like that in the world! Usually, they are children of Intelligence Agents, or Intelligence Agents themselves.

You got that right babe. Damn yellow journalist giving us up to Loki. Haven’t you people seen the Avengers movie?! LOKI IS THE BAD GUY!

Tinfoil Hat On and Ready,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Snakes in the grass.

Let me warn you all there are devious creatures out there, Tara call them Pisacca (Pishacha but she can’t spell), some call them demons, or pterodactyls, I call them snakes. These snakes feed you logical conclusions and try to make you a true believer in the devil Matthew Inman. So the question is, what do you do when the grass harbors snakes? You cut it down.

Think of the internet as a large field of tall grass, and you and your loved ones are walking through it. Do you want to be envenomed by these snakes? Do you want to give to charity because you are spitefully filled with venom? No you don’t. I know, because only I can tell you what to think.

We must burn the grass to the ground, we must cut it with our teeth and stop these snakes from slithering in and out of the inter tubes. There can be no true freedom when people can make fun of such a righteous man as I. I am freedom, by making fun of me, you are attacking freedom.

Your Ricki Tiki Tavi,

Charles Carreon Esq.

All of your domains are belong to me.

Step 2 in Operation Dead Bears and Happy Cancer. Remove any references from my name online that don’t directly quote me and support my statements. I submit this evidence to you my readers of how righteous my cause is, and that I will silence my detractors through any claims possible!

Tara says this should be enough to make even the most hated members of the Pterodactyl Killer gang tremble in their computer chairs. Damn it, I forgot to demand pictures of the person’s face so Tara could draw penises on them. Well, I guess I could amend the complaint in like 3 days later. No big deal. I also need to demand more dinosaurs…

Your Righteous Defender of Silence,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 73 other followers

%d bloggers like this: