Reader’s I decided to do something different today and bring you a little Q&A I had with a prospective client, Donna Barstow. She doesn’t know I’m posting this, but I slept through ethics class in law school, so it should fall under plausible deniability right? Right.
Me: So why did you want to hire me?
Me: What defamation have you faced?
Donna: Well they said my cartoons are poorly drawn, not funny, and they called me old.
Me: That’s reprehensible.
Donna: Exactly! And they wrote down obscene words like the f word.
Me: Isn’t that a crime?
Donna: That’s exactly what I told this guy pretending to be a law school graduate on twitter. You can’t just go around typing fuck, shit, racist cartoonist, etc. Those words are illegal.
Donna: So I was wondering Mr. Carreon, what can I do about this?
Me: First we will send this Something Awful place a quite awful cease and desist letter demanding $100,000 for reputational harm and lost business. We will also ask for 1 live Tyrannosaurus Rex for attorney fees.
Donna: What if they only have money and no dinosaurs?
Me: Then I will sue them.
Donna: What if I don’t want you to sue them, just want the money?
Me: You can have your money, I’ll sue them personally for trademark infringement when they undoubtedly use my name to describe our demands to the public.
Me: Oh and we’ll draw dicks on all the employees of Something Awful, you are a cartoonist right?
Donna: I’m not sure if I am okay with that.
Me: Oh never mind, Tara can do that.
Donna: I need to go now…
Me: Okay see you soon!
Charles Carreon Esq.
[The real Donna Barstow refused to respond to me ]