Matthew Inman has raised 1 million dollars.

I now sit here, pondering if dinosaurs sleep standing up and if they dream, and how to best pillage the money Mr. Inman has raised for my dinocloning laboratory. I would also need a good gag order from a court so that Oatmeal guy wouldn’t go blabbing to the internet about how I was try to steal from his “charity.” His internet gang are a ferocious horde or free speakers who will not be silenced no matter how much I threaten them with T-Rex destruction, I hate them, so I must silence their master before he calls upon them. It’s like what they did with my book on Amazon.com. Even my Tara can see the truth.

 For example, Matt Inman’s people made thousands of bad reviews about Charles’ book, “The Sex.Com Chronicles,” on Amazon. Obviously, a thousand people didn’t read the book,

See, all those fake reviews. She says it plainly, obviously a thousand people didn’t read my book… wait… what?! What does she mean obviously a thousand people didn’t read my book? It was a good book! People read it… I mean… I even gave it away for free… so someone had to read it right? This is quite troubling… what does it mean when thousands of people read a crude artist like Inman but not a single person will read my free book? It must be a conspiracy, it just must be.

Saddened,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Travis Tygart and Kickball

If there is one thing I know, it’s the pain of being picked last for kickball every single time. When the girl with one leg shorter than the other gets picked before you, it stings. I believe Travis Tygart knows my pain. Why else would he spend so much time trying to prove one of the greatest examples of human fortitude was a cheat? He’s that evil little kid on Disney shows that finds anyway to sully the protagonist’s reputation. He is also on an immense power trip that only I can truly appreciate, he’s gone full USADA Carreon. His perfection of douchebaggery is so almost perfect it makes me want to cry. What could make it actually perfect? Easy. Dinosaurs. He never once demanded dinosaurs from Lance Armstrong, or even schematics for a cloning device.

You always demand dinosaurs. It’s just good evil villain etiquette to demand extravagant things. I mean you might consider Travis demanding that Lance continue to defend himself even after federal investigators gave up on the case, even after he had passed every blood test given to him, even after proving previous allegations were false, as an extravagant demand… but it just doesn’t have the same ring as Tyrannosaurus Rex. This one oversight excluded, I am humbled by Mr. Tygart’s douchery and give hommage to his complete assholism.

In Awe,

Charles Carreon Esq.

 

I am running for President.

After reviewing the qualifications and positions of both Barrack Obama and Mitt Romney, I have decided the only logical choice for president is myself. It’s really about the issues which I don’t think either candidate are addressing. It’s about the plight of the common man, not of billionaires and liberals living off of the system. It’s about people who don’t have giant reptiles and need to fight off shadowy underworld organizations. Here is my plan to restore America to it’s greatness.

  1. Clone ultimate battle dinosaurs.
  2. Crush the Nazi Illuminati conspiracy.
  3. Repeal constitutional amendments 1, 4, 10, 16.
  4. Make trademark infringement criminally punishable with the death sentence.
  5. Shut down the internet.

Awaiting your vote,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Ken the lawyer.

Ken White at popehat.com wants you to believe he is some sort of First Amendment advocate, but I know the real truth about him. He’s really a genetic clone created by Ruth Handler and Mattel to indoctrinate poor internet users into his hate group the Discordian Popes. This guy and his Matthew Inman apologist brainwashed followers will stop at nothing to prevent me from obtaining living Tyrannosaurus Rexes. It’s shameful to think of what lengths he’ll go to in attempt of achieving his goal.

I bet he had something to do with Jared Lee Loughner pleading guilty rather than insane. Ken probably called in his goon squad to scare the poor guy’s lawyer into that abhorrent plea bargain. The Illuminati have no shame, they control our corrupted government and feed our children lies. There is no truth in this world, but the truth of my word upon the hallowed internet. My doctrine of dinosaurs is the path of true salvation and life affirmation. The proof is right in front of you. Why else would Ken White try to discredit me in his blogs calling my legal tactics censorious, unethical, and possible dim witted? Because he is trying to lead you down to hell.

Just remember these few things:

  1. Dinosaurs are good.
  2. Ken White is bad.
  3. Discordian Popes are a hate group.
  4. Sometimes fast food ads lie.

Spiritually,

Charles Carreon Esq.

 

Guest Post II (Reposted)

ALL OF YOU LITTLE MONSTERS ARE WORSE THAN RUPERT MURDOCK. (And don’t
say I got that from Lady Gaga. I was Lady Gaga before Madonna was Lady
Gaga. She stole that from me.) If Ralph Nader was here, he’d punch
your lights out, and then put you in jail forever.

@VIAANGUS I Know you’re out there, Viaangus. That’s a centurion name
if I ever heard one, and the Illuminati is from Rome. HUH, CURIOUS.

@Ken You’re not even an Asian child, and that probably makes you a
rapist, most likely. Clearly that is a picture of a child you abducted
in order to train into another Illuminati member by making him read Al
Capp cartoons. You work in a Law Firm that represents people in legal
difficulties (AKA CRIMINALS AND OR HATE-CRIMERS.) Also, I don’t find
you to my sexual liking, and that’s presumably important to the
argument for some reason. But your pole will not come near this hole.
Just know that you could have had me, and you ruined it.

@MarcRenandStimpyDazza You suggested Charles should hit me and sell my
body, and worse you stopped sending us a Christmas Card. We white out
all our Christmas Cards and then resell them in packs on E-Bay. Now we
only have a pack of 11, and who’s going to want that? In conclusion,
you’re a misogynist and probably work for the Disney Company.

@Matthew Inman You think you’re just so clever and handsome, don’t
you? So deliciously, naughtily adorable, with your Dennis from It’s
Always Sunny in Philadelphia face and your little pile of money that
could buy so many domain names… Just alpha-maleing around the Internet
with so many friends and making so much money… Just using that tight
little bottom to seduce all the girls into following you to Budhist
hell… so decadent… like the forbidden fruit of the Internet just
waiting for an older woman to teach you the ways of love… What was I
writing about now?

In conclusion you are all guilty of crimes against the people’s
library, and I sentence you all to $500 pain and suffering. Please
remit directly to Charles’ email address, because Kickstarter refuses
to host “Fund my life” projects no matter how many times I try to tell
them that my forum is a digital library.

Yours in Christ,
Satirical Tara Carreon

Down Under.

The controversial billionaire is rumoured to be planning to clone a dinosaur from DNA so he can set it free in a Jurassic Park-style area at his new Palmer Resort in Coolum.

Crocodile Dundee say what? Who does this down under brother think he is? Dinosaurs are my schtick, and mine alone. You can’t go around talking about cloning dinosaurs, I trademarked the whole idea and will now be suing this billionaire into the stone age (pun intended). This guy has a lot of balls thinking he can just ride into the dinocloning business without the years of footwork I’ve put in? Who was drawing crayon pictures of a dinosaur DNA transmonogrammer back in the 70s? THIS GUY RIGHT HERE. So Clive Palmer needs to take his attention mongering else where, because dinosaurs are all mine.

Anyways, how much is a billion Australian dollars worth in US Currency? 50 bucks right? Dude doesn’t have the capital to get this thing started, and even if he does how is he going to handle the Illuminati? I bet he didn’t think that through. We’ll see who’s laughing when Nazi shocktroopers come storming through his doors trying to assassinate him for flaunting his dinosaur plans around. I know it won’t be him, because he’ll be dead. Clive probably doesn’t even know about Wikipedia’s plot to destroy all dinosaur cloners. What a sap.

The One and Only DinoCloner,

Charles Carreon Esq.

The People Rise Up!

We live in one of the poorest neighborhoods in Tucson out of solidarity to our poor brothers and sisters (we bought our house for $170,000), and we own one Prius. We’re not by any means rich. We get by month to month like the rest of you. We hardly ever go out to eat, because it’s a waste of money. The only thing we ever buy is books and movies. We don’t go on vacations. Our biggest monthly bill is our water bill, because we do splurge on watering our little forest. The first thing we did was have a backhoe come out and dig about 25 huge holes in our yard, and plant trees.

We are common man, people’s people, dirt under our finger nails, working in the sun type of people. I mean, well… we hate the sun, hence the trees. You have to have trees, lots of trees, because they stop you from getting sun burned! Just what every average poor American does. Buy a house, hire someone to dig 25 huge holes, drive a Prius around.

Everyone knows that to show solidarity with the unwashed masses, you buy a house that people who make minimum wage can’t afford. When most poor people are forced to throw away what little money they have on rent, it really shows them what a people’s person I am to move into their neighborhood and own my house. It’s like setting a good example for them. I like to go around saying “Hi, I know you work a menial job for less than optimal wages, but look you can own your own home too. Just become a lawyer like me. Super easy.”

Everyone knows poor people need to save money. That’s why I drive a Prius. You know how much I save on gas? If only more poor people bought Priuses instead of used cars that got horrible gas mileage, they’d be rich! So stop spending a couple thousand dollars on cheap old cars and invest in your future. Anyone can make car payments of $500 a month. Get some common sense poor people.

I am a man of the people, a successful lawyer, with many clients, who just wants to show the unwashed masses how to live a good life. Is that so wrong? Soon I will buy an island so the poor people and I can live in peace and do genetic experiments to create dinosaurs.

Role Model,

Charles Carreon Esq.

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