Year: 2017

Home > 2017

TO: Craig Brittain RE: I hate Ken Popehat too!

If you have read my arch nemesis’ blog popehat.com, you should know how much hassle he has caused for me. It is because of this, and his now continual harassment of you, that I say we should sue him for mental distress on your part. I also say we go after that law quoting neophyte Adam Steinbaugh for trying to make you look like a fool. These two legal harpies must, and will be taught a lesson.We can even stick it to Marc Randazza for taking me off his Christmas Card list… or for threatening you… that’s a better legal strategy probably.Here is how:

1. I will draft a letter to all parties envolved stating that they have caused you emotional stress.

2. I will demand $20,000 and that their domains now point to your illustrious website.

3. I will use half of the $20,000 to clone a T-Rex.

4. The T-Rex will eat Ken Popehat, Adam Steinbaugh, and Marc Randazza

5. Crystal Cox will send you a thank you card.

6. I will take the other half of the $20,000 and set up a Charitable Trust for you.

All I require is an advancement of one DNA sample from an amber mosquito and a site rip of all your currently hosted pictures…

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A Chance To Feed My Dinosaurs

This poor man is being defamed I say! DEFAMED! First this innocent heavy metal artist with a warrior poets soul, is just trying to make a living and provide for his baby mama. He has no connection to any revenge porn site, never mind the fact that he claimed in November that it was “our site.” He misspoke. Anyone who says differently are trolling defamers and will be held to the highest standard of the law. These trolls are all actually the same person. Chris Recouvreur. He is Joe Pullen, Captain Obvious and Ken Popehat all in one. He is the virtual illuminati and has even brought legal warfare to my door.

Chance Trahan will defeat this Chris Recouvreur and his wife, dog, fake aliases, and horde of Norwegian bikini models. Even as I sit licking my wounds, a more apt challenger has arrived to take back common internet decency from these evil hacks! Together we can rule the internet and chase off these defamers who continually try to ruin average American’s lives. Finally my Dinocloning will work and the results shall be miraculous!

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Does Anyone Have An Airplane?

It’s been weeks since we left our house. The conditions have become squalid and unbearable. I haven’t had a latte in forever and feel like the world is coming to an end. Why won’t these Illuminati leave me be? Every door knock, telephone ring, and stranger on the street could be an agent of my nemesis, the Oatmeal. We are running low on supplies, we’ve been subsisting off of saltine crackers and ketchup for 3 days now, and I am tired of using supermarket ads for toilet paper. Our television broke a week ago too, so I’ve been flipping through my only entertainment, a binder full of women.

Please if any Dinosaur sympathizers are out there with an airplane, please airdrop us supplies! With your help my dinocloning device made out of mucus and uncooked macaroni can continue being built. Together with your airplane, toilet paper, food, and my brains, we’d be unstoppable! Together we can stop all these people with silly names, like oatmeal, popehat, and Barack Obama.

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Be Heard Part 2

I’m not so much writing this here because I am afraid, but more because I don’t know where else to put this.

I think it’s important that we shatter Carreon’s delusions about the world. He seems to believe that everyone who opposes him is some mindless being connected to The Oatmeal directly, much as everyone who supports him is some mindless (or utterly psychotic in the case of Tara) being connected to him. It’s a basic psychological fallacy to assume that your condition is a general condition of humans.
He does not seem to realize that his actions do violence not only against Matthew Inman, but humanity in general. He is sticking up for the principle that defamation laws should protect people’s reputations from their own actions. He is sticking up for the idea that speech is only OK if it’s attacking the right people or it doesn’t break some subjective barrier that some human is capable of arbitrating.
He and his wife seem to believe that their tastes should be used to determine whether speech is OK or not. Could you imagine a world where that happened, where Mr. Carreon is an arbiter of speech? I could print out pictures of Mr. Carreon, poop on one each day for a month, photograph them, and post them to a blog, and it would be infinitely more tasteful, clever, sane, intelligent, ethical, and lawful than anything he or his wife have said on this matter.
The point of this tirade is not to simply criticize Mr. Carreon’s actions further, as I think he has received enough criticism for the “merits” of his individual actions. The point of this is to point out that Carreon is not simply an enemy of The Oatmeal and his imaginary zombie followers. He is not simply an enemy of some imaginary monolithic consensus on the internet. He is an enemy of mankind, whose actions are a tyrannical abuse of process that, if generally successful, could crush free exchange of ideas at taxpayer expense, allowing any common thug who went to law school to control social change, technological advances, and criticism of unethical government entities or corporations. In fact, legislatures have specifically enacted laws to make such abuses easier to identify and crush early on. Somehow it is a mystery that anyone would oppose his actions.
Does Mr. Carreon respond to the notion that his actions are illegal? From what I have seen, he seems to believe that a number of circumstances here override the rule of law. He seems to imply that The Oatmeal’s “Your Mom” joke directed to his client was so offensive and unethical that it overrides the rule of law, or had some magical power to dehumanize him that clearly incited people to take illegal action against him despite the very strict legal definition of incitement (designed to protect people from lawyers like Carreon). He implies that being angry, donating ten dollars to an art project, and having a law degree makes him the attorney general or otherwise some kind of prosecutor. He implies not only that the government should “protect” people from the possible consequences of their own actions in this matter, but that he, some dude with a law degree far from the influence of voters, should be able to “protect” people from the possible consequences of their own actions. He thinks that the fact that he doesn’t like someone and that they *could* be doing something unethical and/or illegal is evidence that they are and cause to put a restraining order on them (or he is willfully trying to abuse the system, which is quite probable).
Did he admit defeat when a bunch of humiliating briefs pointed out that he had no case? Nope. He claimed victory, asserting that the checks going where they were supposed to go all along was all he ever wanted, despite the fact that he used this frivolous case as a vehicle to get his even more frivolous incitement case to court. This is why I feel the need to crush his delusions of grandeur. The best way to do this would probably be for the courts to award Rule 11 damages on this case, although I’m not sure who should seek them. Unlike Carreon, the people he harasses have lives. Becoming permanently disbarred would probably be good for him. I feel like if anything can make him snap out of this, it’s some condemnation from the judicial system.
Mr. Carreon: You are not above the law, as you seem to believe. You are not Batman. You are some thug with a law degree. Not even Ralph Nader is enough of a nut to support you on this matter (although, were he, that still wouldn’t help your case). By the way, did you get any response from him regarding your request to forward your lawless threats to him? I’d love to read it.
As far as I know Ralph Nader has not gotten back to Mr. Carreon. I doubt many people who have such people seemingly obsessed with them do.

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A cave. A man. A cloning machine.

I am back in my undisclosed mud cave impenetrable underground lair. The Illuminati are every where now and I’ve had to go black from the last several hours. Only now as Tara pedals our old exercise bike for our generator can I boot up the old Tandy 1000. It’s been a hectic 24 hours and I am unconvinced that the CIA doesn’t know what I am up to. We have began to build our dinosaur cloning device. I am short some materials so I will list them below, encase you can help supply them. Items crossed out are already ready to go.

15 empty peanut butter jars, preferably Skippy brand.
3000 yards of aluminum foil.
3 sporks.
500 yards of duct tape.
1 modern PC.
3000 yards of unwaxed floss.
3 pounds of weapons grade plutonium.
3 sticks of Juicy Fruit.
100 yards cat5 cabling.
2 centrifuges.
A microwave oven.
9 panels of sheet metal.
13 hamsters.
M&Ms.
10′ of PVC piping, 2″ diameter.
Frog blood.
1 copy of Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton
Soon with your help we will raise a mighty Tyrannosaur Army to silence our critics and enslave those who would hack into my blog to post comments! I will suppress all bloggers including that Little Lying Bitch. My mighty reptilian legions will devour all detractors including Paul Levy, Cathy Gellis, Kenneth White, Marc Randazza and Martha Stewart (because we all know you can’t bake cookies that good without a heaping scoop of evil). Once they have fallen, my army will march upon the Halls of the Oatmeal and deal him a defeat that no Pterodactyl will be able to save him from. Anyone who says different is a quack. The only people who disagree with my mighty quest are Illuminati scientist who try to convince us that some invisible force keeps us from falling off the planet into space. How the hell would you fall into space? SPACE IS UP! Liars.

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What if they have a T-Rex?

I though of something entirely terrifying tonight. What if my enemies already have a Tyrannosaurus Rex? What if it’s been some kind of cat and mouse game, but the whole time it was them just toying with me as a cat would do? That would mean that no matter what I do, they’ve already won…

Am I crazy? Could I just be paranoid? Only if it’s crazy to assume all my detractors are Nazi Illuminati Conspirators, and we all know that’s perfectly sane. Could a paranoid person come up with a website called rapeutation.com that outlined an internet wide conspiracy to drag my name through the dirt? No, of course not. I’m sane. I really am. What’s insane is people trying to tell me to man up an accept I’m not some victim, just a narcissistic asshole.

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Matthew Inman has raised 1 million dollars.

I now sit here, pondering if dinosaurs sleep standing up and if they dream, and how to best pillage the money Mr. Inman has raised for my dinocloning laboratory. I would also need a good gag order from a court so that Oatmeal guy wouldn’t go blabbing to the internet about how I was try to steal from his “charity.” His internet gang are a ferocious horde or free speakers who will not be silenced no matter how much I threaten them with T-Rex destruction, I hate them, so I must silence their master before he calls upon them. It’s like what they did with my book on Amazon.com. Even my Tara can see the truth.

For example, Matt Inman’s people made thousands of bad reviews about Charles’ book, “The Sex.Com Chronicles,” on Amazon. Obviously, a thousand people didn’t read the book,

See, all those fake reviews. She says it plainly, obviously a thousand people didn’t read my book… wait… what?! What does she mean obviously a thousand people didn’t read my book? It was a good book! People read it… I mean… I even gave it away for free… so someone had to read it right? This is quite troubling… what does it mean when thousands of people read a crude artist like Inman but not a single person will read my free book? It must be a conspiracy, it just must be.

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Be Heard Part 1

An anonymous reader sent me this. The fact that they have to worry about sharing their opinion upsets me. If you are causing people to think twice about expressing themselves, good chances are, you are now a censor. I guess that’s what happens when you threaten to name 100 Does in a lawsuit. You make anyone who talked about you wonder “Am I next?”

Honestly, I’ve been willing to give Mr. Carreon the benefit of the doubt. Despite all appearances he may truly believe he is right in all of this. Possibly this is the result of his otherwise noble intentions corrupted for reason I cannot fathom. I could imagine he is lonely. I could imagine he is confused by the legions of friends and acquaintances that have shunned him publicly. I start to pity him.

But, just as I am starting to wonder how hollow his world is, I feel fear. I have been reading and commenting on various blogs during this ordeal. I have not been as derisive as most, but I have openly mocked him. I have been doing the same types of activities that I have been doing on many different hobby sites. Could I somehow be drug into this as one of Carreon’s enemies? Could I be sued by Charles Carreon for generally minding my daily business? His ability to find cause is impressive. I wouldn’t have the resources to defend myself if he tried to hound me today, or three years from now. His actions and attitudes have made my daily routine feel dangerous. I am afraid to post, to read, to surf. He might somehow decide I have wronged him.

This is why, in the moment before I feel real pity for the fate he has inflicted upon himself, I think to myself, “ you, Charles Carreon.”

Another reader emails me:

I used to work for the Ramones for quite a while with the sound company and I can tell you WITHOUT A DOUBT that the Ramones would not appreciate that toolbag Charles Carreon wearing any Ramones swag in public. I wish he would refrain from tarnishing the Ramone image while he spreads his legal clap-trap around the web.

Being an informative person I reply:

How do you feel about him using joeyramone.org for his stuff?

To which they replied:

If it was up to me, I`d sue him for using the likenesses and what not. As a matter of fact, now that I`m aware of this site, I`ll call attention to it to the appropriate people.

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A break from character.

I am not posting this satirically as I originally intended. I had half of this post drafted and then realized the subject matter would be done a disservice by making it into another joke. As anyone who reads this blog might know, I value free speech. I also can be a world class troll if I need to. Maybe that is why I am such a proponent of the First Amendment. I believe through free speech we are granted the ability to do real journalism based on fact and truth without fear of retribution or intimidation.

That being said, free speech and journalism fails when our journalist become lazy and start taking shortcuts. Shortcuts like just pasting an interview into an article with no analysis of the facts. Journalism where the author of an article becomes a mouthpiece for the subject of his piece. I have seen many easily researchable errors while covering Charles Carreon. I also see something sinister happening where Matthew Inman (under advice) is no longer fixing these errors in interviews because of the legal action taken against him. Journalist are allowing Mr. Carreon to frame the conversation as he sees fit, and not standing up for the truth.

Dave Thier of Forbes – Quotes Charles Carreon that IndieGoGo is going to take 9% of the Bear Love fundraiser. When called out on actual facts he in the comment section repeats 9% then does not respond to figures actually obtained from IndieGoGo.com

Michael Cavna of the Washington Post – Repeats Carreon’s line that the picture Matthew Inman drew was of Carreon’s mother, even though it was of the FunnyJunk admin’s mother.

These are but a few of many examples of letting one person frame a debate with journalist who could, and should, place emphasis on the truth. Without a diligent press our freedom will fail. We cannot as a free people allow shortcuts or lack of analytical thought to take us down a dark path. This is also a reminder to anyone who reads a news article, think critically. Do not assume fact because it is in print. Research it if the subject interests you and be a party to our freedom.

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Democracy!

Due to an overwhelming majority vote there will now be an Ask Charles section for real! Here are the official results for my question “Do you want an actual ‘Ask Charles’ section”:

Yes, please do so as the Charles Carreon Esq. character. 71.89% (463 votes)

Yes, but I’d rather you do it as the actual author. 7.45% (48 votes)

No. That’s a stupid idea. You now owe me dinosaurs for your ridiculousness. 20.65% (133 votes)

So send me your questions ([email protected]) and I’ll reply to them as Charles Carreon in posts when I get enough. This will be a regular section on this blog and you can ask really about anything. Try not to be too lewd though, it makes me uncomfortable thinking about Mr. Carreon that way. Seriously. I get kind of sick.

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