Bransom owes me dinosaurs.

So another day goes by and I sit here sipping my Starbucks. Then I am rudely notified by Tara (who was dressed up as Carl Jung) ash she came rambling into my inner sanctum of the Carreon cave. What does she have for me? THIS! Serenity of self love shattered. Shattered I say. Some things you accept gracefully, but I am not, and I will never be, a jelly bean accountant. What sort of job is that anyways? Who counts jelly beans all day other then Tara occasionally?

I thought I made it clear before, that I am an Internet Lawyer. I only help the good and good looking, of which I am both, hence I represent myself. I repeat I do not count jelly beans. Even the mention of it is slanderous and opprobrious. I now am quite sure that this lady owes me two Tyrannosaur Rexes, a Stegosaurus, a Platypus, and her domain name. If she does not surrender said dinosaurs and immediately point her domain at this blog, I will take action in the following ways:

  1. File a grievance with the United Nations.
  2. Sue the Children’s Hospital of Seattle.
  3. Rename today Branson owes me dinosaurs day on my personal calendar.
  4. Give interview to anyone who will listen on how your blog is improperly setup under California Law.
  5. Place a peace order on you so that you may not speak my name.

So how funny do you feel now? Thought so.

Charles Carreon Esq.

F the EFF

Looks like no one ever learns. In their little press release the EFF uses my name twice. I have a trademark on my name, and therefor I am entitled to damages now 2 fold. What is 2 x infinity? I don’t know, Tara tells me 2 x infinity is the sign of the dinosaur reemergence. I am not so sure. However in the interest of negotiating, I will accept a live TyrannosaurusRex as compensation. I have consulted with my trusted advisor Brett Kimberlin and we have concluded a 4 step response.

  1. Further perjure ourselves to the court to obtain a peace order against Matthew Inman and the EFF.
  2. Subpoena all social media in order to send Cease and Desist orders to all critics of this litigation.
  3. Try to settle with said critics for defamation in the amount of $100,000.
  4. Any settlements will be used to create a new TV network called Carrion News. It will only display my political leanings and vilify all that oppose myself or Brett.

Also to those who oppose me in the comments of these (or any) posts, Tara is already drawing dicks on your avatars.

Charles Carreon Esq.

Quick Update!

Wow I’ve gotten a few great emails from readers. Maybe I should get in touch with Brett Kimberlin. This guy is a god of shutting down insolent bloggers who try to bad mouth us Killer Klown stopping conquistadors. I mean my ancestry that links me to Cortez gives me the right to stop all speech directed against me. I could easily get a peace order against Matthew Inman of theoatmeal.com and have him put under arrest if he dares draw my mom seducing a bear again. If a convicted serial bomber and perjurer can do it, why can’t a badass buddhist like myself? Rest assured, Brett and I will not rest until we have thrown the last heap of dirt on the First Amendment. That antiquated thing needs a proper burial.

Again, thank you readers.

Charles Carreon Esq.

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