Amy’s Baking Company

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You see that cretins? You are legally bound. Bound I say. Bound to not defame my (hopefully soon to be) clients Amy and Samy of Amy’s Baking Company. You are nobodies, even if you were once somebody, you are not any more. Like the hammer of Thor dropping down on some ice giant, Amy’s Baking Company is going to come down on you feeble internet hooligans.

You’re so dumb, for real. You left your facebook names all over their page. We are going to find you, so even if you hide your kids and hide your wife, we’ll find you. You will be liable for breach of contract which won’t be dissolvable by bankruptcy or even an act of God.

I’ve warned the internet so many times. You can’t just go around bad mouthing legitimate businesses and expect white-hat lawyers to sit idly by. For now the wrath of Carreon is upon all of you facebook users, yelpers, and especially the vile stench filled puss sack, reddit.

Fresh of the victorious filing of my notice to appeal the Illuminati financed blogger and his nazi conspirators, I am refreshed and will bring down great vexatious legal torment upon the detractors of Amy and Samy. You are done ruining everything like our facebook page and ice cream sundaes. I bet you’re infuriating constant internet commenting is contributing to global warming too.

We are not crazy like you,

Charles Carreon Esq.

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Dietz Economics 102B

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Every time I think I can’t be more impressed with Christopher Dietz of Dietz Development LLC, I find myself incorrect. When reviewing that dastardly Jane Perez’s “evidence” against the honorable Dietz, I found these documents adding an additional wrinkle to his deviously splendid plan!

What brilliant strategy, cunning business sense, and diabolical genius. Dietz according to complaints against him, takes contracts then does little to no work and bills people for extra unperformed services (sheer brilliance!), then according to this documents I unearthed, he doesn’t even pay his employees! That’s right, he takes your money, doesn’t spend anything on materials, and then keeps all the money for himself! Dietz is truly a high priest of the Capitalist Buddha.

A man with such ability and skill at being a vexatious twat-waffle will be a worthy opponent to defeat the likes of Paul Alan Levy and his Illuminati brethren at Public Citizen and the ACLU. I could not ask for a better champion to reclaim my honor be default fact that I support him morally! Yes, I have been forced to capitulate to the Illuminati conspiracy, but now the Dietz cometh to smite the Illuminati unto the bowls of netherworld.

Today we lay waste to the first amendment rights of all netizens so that tomorrow we can cement a future where no matter what a business person does (or doesn’t) do to/for them, they will never be able to speak out in an open forum without dire legal consequences. This isn’t about Jane Perez, it’s about every dirty little peasant who complained about a $6 sandwich at some shop because it wasn’t hot enough, or there was mold on the bread. For fucks sake, you are paying $6 and you want quality control? Get a real job, like a lawyer, and be able to afford a real meal.

This country and her citizens have gotten completely out of hand. You can’t just complain about anything you want online. You can’t claim even with filing a police report that you think someone stole from you. Next time buy a goddamn safety deposit box like a real person with a job would do. Or a massive underground safe like a good Bond villain would do. Do something other than tattle on a poor contractor. Just because Dietz doesn’t pay his employees doesn’t mean they might have taken property to feed their families. It means they must be frugal with what money they have. This whole Jane Perez and Yelp affair is sickening.

The Silencer,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Jane Perez has a lot of gall.

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Chris Dietz was paid for renovation of my property. He was paid to repair/install the following items:  slate roof, external doors, concrete patio slab, kitchen sink, vent in front basement bedroom. Chris never fixed these items as requested and has invoiced me for extra work that I did [not] agree to verbally or in writing. He is trying to extort extra monry[sic] from me when he has not completed the work he was paid to do. - Previous Dietz Client

Even if this other clients had the same problem as Jane Perez, she has no right going around town and telling people Christopher Dietz of Dietz Development LLC doesn’t know what he is doing. If I were Dietz lawyer I would have added a zero to the end of his defamation case. $7.5 million sounds so much scarier then a mere $750k. Seriously, how many DinoCloning™ devices can you buy with less than a million dollars? 3 or 4? You have to teach these consumers that they have no right demanding a service be done well. You get what I am selling or you get nothing at all, unless if what I am selling is nothing at all, then you always get nothing at all. Get it?

In my opinion Dietz is a hero of capitalism. The whole point of the free market is to allow businesses to become so efficient that they practically have to do little work to make huge profits, and Dietz apparently doesn’t do any work! What a masterful genius he is, by agreeing to provide contract work and then billing without completing his work, he has won the free market. This man is a Herculean titan of business and should only be represented by the best internet lawyer possible, myself.

I don’t know why he didn’t come to me first, as I have a history of litigating internet defamation suits with such tenacity that my targets have had to get bears to fend me off. Yes big bears. That’s how strong my legal kung fu is. That one tiny lack of foresight by Dietz is probably why secretive groups are waging public relation wars against him, i.e. the Illuminati! This poor man has lost work! He’s fighting for the rights of all small businesses to silence their clients’ complaints!

Go strong Christopher Dietz, and know that the Capitalist Buddha shines upon you!

Respectfully,

Charles Carreon Esq.

I have triumphed!

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My vile enemy Christopher Recouvreur has accepted my offer of judgement, I have won. Yes I was able to scare, harass, and annoy him and his employer and get away without losing my DinoCloner™!  He might still be able to make fun of me on his website that clearly uses my own name, but now I am free to use my considerably skills to continue on against the other Illuminati. Just like with that vile Inman character, I have won by losing. Losing and winning at the same time is an art form I perfected during the Sex.com case. I won the case, lost my fees, but wrote a book about it making myself look like a lawyer version of the Terminator.

Maybe I should write a book about ducking service against a plaintiff that I myself threatened to frivolously sue. I can title it, “The Assassination of Free Speech By The Coward Charles Carreon” or, “The Charles-Carreon.com Chronicles.” I could just write a book about my cloning of dinosaurs… maybe “Triassic Mark.”

Remember potential clients, if anyone says anything that doesn’t make you feel like unicorns are prancing across a rainbow inside your soul, I will be there to threaten lawsuit against your adversary. If they make a blog that pretends you are some half lawyer, half scientist quack, I can force their weak willed domain registrar to identify them. Introducing my new slogan:

If your soul doesn’t feel like unicorns prancing on rainbows, call Charles Carreon Esq.

#Winning,

Charles Carreon Esq.

What if they have a T-Rex?

I though of something entirely terrifying tonight. What if my enemies already have a Tyrannosaurus Rex? What if it’s been some kind of cat and mouse game, but the whole time it was them just toying with me as a cat would do? That would mean that no matter what I do, they’ve already won…

Am I crazy? Could I just be paranoid? Only if it’s crazy to assume all my detractors are Nazi Illuminati Conspirators, and we all know that’s perfectly sane. Could a paranoid person come up with a website called rapeutation.com that outlined an internet wide conspiracy to drag my name through the dirt? No, of course not. I’m sane. I really am. What’s insane is people trying to tell me to man up an accept I’m not some victim, just a narcissistic asshole.

Well Adjusted,

Charles Carreon Esq.

This is how I thug.

This is how I thug(full text). Once my detractors don’t waffle after being threatened with six figure sums, and they show the annoying tenacity to continue to mock me and bring out unethical behaviors of my past, I like to go after their employment. One of the best douchebag moves, the most censoriously brilliant play, is to try and get your critics fired. It’s right up there with going after their uninvolved family members and photoshopping dicks on their faces. Everyone uses their work computer for personal tasks, just like me. Hence it’s really easy to get people fired that way.

Even if they don’t back down after being fired, hopefully they’ll go broke and lose the ability to pay for their internet or their defense. Either way I win. If they aren’t fired they still know that if they continue criticizing me, I’ll try to hurt them in any way possible, which also chills their speech. It’s all a direct ladder of thuggery:

  1. Be thuggish douchebag censor on the internet.
  2. Anonymous people criticize you on websites.
  3. Threaten anonymous person with big cash judgements.
  4. Threaten anonymous person’s webhost for their identity.
  5. Use their identity to try to shame them.
  6. Use their identity to find out their employer and harass them.

Brilliant yes?

Super Thug,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Matthew Inman has raised 1 million dollars.

I now sit here, pondering if dinosaurs sleep standing up and if they dream, and how to best pillage the money Mr. Inman has raised for my dinocloning laboratory. I would also need a good gag order from a court so that Oatmeal guy wouldn’t go blabbing to the internet about how I was try to steal from his “charity.” His internet gang are a ferocious horde or free speakers who will not be silenced no matter how much I threaten them with T-Rex destruction, I hate them, so I must silence their master before he calls upon them. It’s like what they did with my book on Amazon.com. Even my Tara can see the truth.

 For example, Matt Inman’s people made thousands of bad reviews about Charles’ book, “The Sex.Com Chronicles,” on Amazon. Obviously, a thousand people didn’t read the book,

See, all those fake reviews. She says it plainly, obviously a thousand people didn’t read my book… wait… what?! What does she mean obviously a thousand people didn’t read my book? It was a good book! People read it… I mean… I even gave it away for free… so someone had to read it right? This is quite troubling… what does it mean when thousands of people read a crude artist like Inman but not a single person will read my free book? It must be a conspiracy, it just must be.

Saddened,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Jack Daniel’s needs new representation.


Look at this. Just look at it. Blah blah blah, I’m a nice Tennessee lawyer. What the hell are these people doing? Not only do they not threaten this person’s ability to speak freely about their brand, but they even offer him money? YOU DEMAND MONEY! This is what gives us lawyers a bad name, people trying to deceive the public into thinking we should be nice and polite. I don’t care if they got the intended result. We are lawyers, warriors of the legalese, knights of financial destruction, bearers of the bar, etc. These guys came out looking like Colonel Sanders (another cloned fast food Illuminati pawn). You never go full Colonel Sanders.

What sort of lawyering is that? How are you supposed to finance a dinosaur army with good wishes and polite word craft? I am going to write Jack Daniel’s today and demand they drop their incompetent counsel in trade for my services. Not only will I not throw their money away at any would be author turned copyright infringer, but I’ll procure the finest dinosaur DNA for a joint cloning venture. Look at the picture above, my experiments with Tyrannosaurus DNA and kitten DNA is really paying off. We are just a few steps away from crushing these First Amendment advocates. With my newly preposed tort and the dinosaur clones, we’ll rule the internet and the world. Below is how I will respond in the future to trademark infringement if I become Jack Daniel’s lead counsel:

  1. Demand at least but not limited to $100,000
  2. Threaten to sue in any of 30 jurisdictions in order to scare the target into compliance.
  3. Demand they hand over all copies of the infringement for destruction and any domain names they control.
  4. Inform them that I can litigate for essentially forever, especially once I clone myself therefor ensuring my immortality.
  5. That once I crush the Illuminati, I will use their time travel devices to erase the infringer from existence.
  6. That I can and will name them horrible things like “rapeutationist” and draw genitals on their faces.
  7. Demand attorney fees in the form of dinosaurs.
  8. Ask that they forward my demand letter to Ralph Nader.

Mad as hell,

Charles Carreon Esq.

 

 

A cave. A man. A cloning machine.

I am back in my undisclosed mud cave impenetrable underground lair. The Illuminati are every where now and I’ve had to go black from the last several hours. Only now as Tara pedals our old exercise bike for our generator can I boot up the old Tandy 1000. It’s been a hectic 24 hours and I am unconvinced that the CIA doesn’t know what I am up to. We have began to build our dinosaur cloning device. I am short some materials so I will list them below, encase you can help supply them. Items crossed out are already ready to go.

  1. 15 empty peanut butter jars, preferably Skippy brand.
  2. 3000 yards of aluminum foil.
  3. 3 sporks.
  4. 500 yards of duct tape.
  5. 1 modern PC.
  6. 3000 yards of unwaxed floss.
  7. 3 pounds of weapons grade plutonium.
  8. 3 sticks of Juicy Fruit.
  9. 100 yards cat5 cabling.
  10. 2 centrifuges.
  11. A microwave oven.
  12. 9 panels of sheet metal.
  13. 13 hamsters.
  14. M&Ms.
  15. 10′ of PVC piping, 2″ diameter.
  16. Frog blood.
  17. 1 copy of Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton 

Soon with your help we will raise a mighty Tyrannosaur Army to silence our critics and enslave those who would hack into my blog to post comments! I will suppress all bloggers including that Little Lying Bitch. My mighty reptilian legions will devour all detractors including Paul Levy, Cathy Gellis, Kenneth White, Marc Randazza and Martha Stewart (because we all know you can’t bake cookies that good without a heaping scoop of evil). Once they have fallen, my army will march upon the Halls of the Oatmeal and deal him a defeat that no Pterodactyl will be able to save him from. Anyone who says different is a quack. The only people who disagree with my mighty quest are Illuminati scientist who try to convince us that some invisible force keeps us from falling off the planet into space. How the hell would you fall into space? SPACE IS UP! Liars.

Jurassic Cave Dweller,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Wikipedia is Mafia

So I went to great lengths to create a wikipedia article that read like a resumé. I used the LLC of a porn actress that I registered a trademark for. See who edited my first wikipedia page and her wikipedia page? Want proof? Here you go. So I develop this devious plan to make us look like Gods of the Internets and then wikipedia bans our account? Mafia conspirators. They probably are part of the Oatmeal Time Travel Conspiracy, or OTTC as I like to call it.

This is preposterous. I made my own wikipedia page to look good on the internet. Then these wikipedia people take part in rapeutation. Don’t they understand that free speech is only speech that makes me look good? How is a White Hat Internet Lawyer supposed to look good without creating his own wikipedia page? I mean other than taking more than one notable case ever, a case I kind of got kicked off of… This is blatant DIRA. I bet wikipedia took part in the DOS attacks on my site too. Those evil bastards. I wonder who’s in charge of wikipedia? How do you find out that sort of information? Maybe I’ll sue them to find out and gain dinosaur cloning technology.

Super Honest,

Charles Carreon Esq.

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