Category: Douchebaggery

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You can’t turn shields into swords!

You just can’t. This is especially true of leather shields, wood shields, and shields made of non-corporeal things like the First Amendment. To turn a First Amendment shield into a Lanham Act sword you would need a 17 sided die, 3 cloves of garlic, the great rune of Dinosaur, purified animus and 3 gallons of swine blood. No mere federal judge can anoint some gripe site owner a sword so powerful that any trademark holder must cower in their worthlessness!

These pesky Illuminatus have pissed in my well once too many times! I am sick and tired of being pushed around and made to drink water that taste oddly tart. While we are talking about the Illuminati, have I ever told you about their lawyer hating brethern? Libertarians. The first time I met a Libertarian, I thought they said “librarian” and asked about the Dewey Decimal System, needless to say that Libertarian wasn’t very fond of this lawyer! Libertarians have no sense of humor either.

Back to the whole sword thing, you just don’t tell trademark owners that they can’t make vexatious and baseless legal threats without any real punishment. Such attitudes are an affront to the entire American legal system. If people like this gripe site owner are let loose on the world, no trademark will be worth spit because they’ll just run around preemptively suing Disney and Taco Bell! “Whoa dude I hate Taco Bell, man now I have to sue them to protect my rights and stuff, cause like I said I hated them or something!” (Note my unwashed masses speak is a bit rusty) People will be able to go around and not fear the righteous anger of the trademark holders, people will speak freely about trademark holders, and this will deprive trademark holders and vexatious lawyers from exercising their own First Amendment rights!

This is the downfall of America people, when your daughter comes home impregnated by some hipster with a lip piercing and your dog runs away, remember this very moment. When Disney has to cancel the next Little Mermaid on ice performance because it has to pay some lump because that lump sued them for no reason, remember this moment. For if I lay banished by some Lanham Act sword, so may your favorite animated movie studio or taco dispensary.

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Dietz Economics 102B

Every time I think I can’t be more impressed with Christopher Dietz of Dietz Development LLC, I find myself incorrect. When reviewing that dastardly Jane Perez’s “evidence” against the honorable Dietz, I found these documents adding an additional wrinkle to his deviously splendid plan!

What brilliant strategy, cunning business sense, and diabolical genius. Dietz according to complaints against him, takes contracts then does little to no work and bills people for extra unperformed services (sheer brilliance!), then according to this documents I unearthed, he doesn’t even pay his employees! That’s right, he takes your money, doesn’t spend anything on materials, and then keeps all the money for himself! Dietz is truly a high priest of the Capitalist Buddha.

A man with such ability and skill at being a vexatious twat-waffle will be a worthy opponent to defeat the likes of Paul Alan Levy and his Illuminati brethren at Public Citizen and the ACLU. I could not ask for a better champion to reclaim my honor be default fact that I support him morally! Yes, I have been forced to capitulate to the Illuminati conspiracy, but now the Dietz cometh to smite the Illuminati unto the bowls of netherworld.

Today we lay waste to the first amendment rights of all netizens so that tomorrow we can cement a future where no matter what a business person does (or doesn’t) do to/for them, they will never be able to speak out in an open forum without dire legal consequences. This isn’t about Jane Perez, it’s about every dirty little peasant who complained about a $6 sandwich at some shop because it wasn’t hot enough, or there was mold on the bread. For fucks sake, you are paying $6 and you want quality control? Get a real job, like a lawyer, and be able to afford a real meal.

This country and her citizens have gotten completely out of hand. You can’t just complain about anything you want online. You can’t claim even with filing a police report that you think someone stole from you. Next time buy a goddamn safety deposit box like a real person with a job would do. Or a massive underground safe like a good Bond villain would do. Do something other than tattle on a poor contractor. Just because Dietz doesn’t pay his employees doesn’t mean they might have taken property to feed their families. It means they must be frugal with what money they have. This whole Jane Perez and Yelp affair is sickening.

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Jane Perez has a lot of gall.

Chris Dietz was paid for renovation of my property. He was paid to repair/install the following items: slate roof, external doors, concrete patio slab, kitchen sink, vent in front basement bedroom. Chris never fixed these items as requested and has invoiced me for extra work that I did [not] agree to verbally or in writing. He is trying to extort extra monry[sic] from me when he has not completed the work he was paid to do. – Previous Dietz Client

Even if this other clients had the same problem as Jane Perez, she has no right going around town and telling people Christopher Dietz of Dietz Development LLC doesn’t know what he is doing. If I were Dietz lawyer I would have added a zero to the end of his defamation case. $7.5 million sounds so much scarier then a mere $750k. Seriously, how many DinoCloning™ devices can you buy with less than a million dollars? 3 or 4? You have to teach these consumers that they have no right demanding a service be done well. You get what I am selling or you get nothing at all, unless if what I am selling is nothing at all, then you always get nothing at all. Get it?

In my opinion Dietz is a hero of capitalism. The whole point of the free market is to allow businesses to become so efficient that they practically have to do little work to make huge profits, and Dietz apparently doesn’t do any work! What a masterful genius he is, by agreeing to provide contract work and then billing without completing his work, he has won the free market. This man is a Herculean titan of business and should only be represented by the best internet lawyer possible, myself.

I don’t know why he didn’t come to me first, as I have a history of litigating internet defamation suits with such tenacity that my targets have had to get bears to fend me off. Yes big bears. That’s how strong my legal kung fu is. That one tiny lack of foresight by Dietz is probably why secretive groups are waging public relation wars against him, i.e. the Illuminati! This poor man has lost work! He’s fighting for the rights of all small businesses to silence their clients’ complaints!

Go strong Christopher Dietz, and know that the Capitalist Buddha shines upon you!

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A Chance To Feed My Dinosaurs

This poor man is being defamed I say! DEFAMED! First this innocent heavy metal artist with a warrior poets soul, is just trying to make a living and provide for his baby mama. He has no connection to any revenge porn site, never mind the fact that he claimed in November that it was “our site.” He misspoke. Anyone who says differently are trolling defamers and will be held to the highest standard of the law. These trolls are all actually the same person. Chris Recouvreur. He is Joe Pullen, Captain Obvious and Ken Popehat all in one. He is the virtual illuminati and has even brought legal warfare to my door.

Chance Trahan will defeat this Chris Recouvreur and his wife, dog, fake aliases, and horde of Norwegian bikini models. Even as I sit licking my wounds, a more apt challenger has arrived to take back common internet decency from these evil hacks! Together we can rule the internet and chase off these defamers who continually try to ruin average American’s lives. Finally my Dinocloning will work and the results shall be miraculous!

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