Amy’s Baking Company

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You see that cretins? You are legally bound. Bound I say. Bound to not defame my (hopefully soon to be) clients Amy and Samy of Amy’s Baking Company. You are nobodies, even if you were once somebody, you are not any more. Like the hammer of Thor dropping down on some ice giant, Amy’s Baking Company is going to come down on you feeble internet hooligans.

You’re so dumb, for real. You left your facebook names all over their page. We are going to find you, so even if you hide your kids and hide your wife, we’ll find you. You will be liable for breach of contract which won’t be dissolvable by bankruptcy or even an act of God.

I’ve warned the internet so many times. You can’t just go around bad mouthing legitimate businesses and expect white-hat lawyers to sit idly by. For now the wrath of Carreon is upon all of you facebook users, yelpers, and especially the vile stench filled puss sack, reddit.

Fresh of the victorious filing of my notice to appeal the Illuminati financed blogger and his nazi conspirators, I am refreshed and will bring down great vexatious legal torment upon the detractors of Amy and Samy. You are done ruining everything like our facebook page and ice cream sundaes. I bet you’re infuriating constant internet commenting is contributing to global warming too.

We are not crazy like you,

Charles Carreon Esq.

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You can’t turn shields into swords!

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You just can’t. This is especially true of leather shields, wood shields, and shields made of non-corporeal things like the First Amendment. To turn a First Amendment shield into a Lanham Act sword you would need a 17 sided die, 3 cloves of garlic, the great rune of Dinosaur, purified animus and 3 gallons of swine blood. No mere federal judge can anoint some gripe site owner a sword so powerful that any trademark holder must cower in their worthlessness!

These pesky Illuminatus have pissed in my well once too many times! I am sick and tired of being pushed around and made to drink water that taste oddly tart. While we are talking about the Illuminati, have I ever told you about their lawyer hating brethern? Libertarians. The first time I met a Libertarian, I thought they said “librarian” and asked about the Dewey Decimal System, needless to say that Libertarian wasn’t very fond of this lawyer! Libertarians have no sense of humor either.

Back to the whole sword thing, you just don’t tell trademark owners that they can’t make vexatious and baseless legal threats without any real punishment. Such attitudes are an affront to the entire American legal system. If people like this gripe site owner are let loose on the world, no trademark will be worth spit because they’ll just run around preemptively suing Disney and Taco Bell! “Whoa dude I hate Taco Bell, man now I have to sue them to protect my rights and stuff, cause like I said I hated them or something!” (Note my unwashed masses speak is a bit rusty) People will be able to go around and not fear the righteous anger of the trademark holders, people will speak freely about trademark holders, and this will deprive trademark holders and vexatious lawyers from exercising their own First Amendment rights!

This is the downfall of America people, when your daughter comes home impregnated by some hipster with a lip piercing and your dog runs away, remember this very moment. When Disney has to cancel the next Little Mermaid on ice performance because it has to pay some lump because that lump sued them for no reason, remember this moment. For if I lay banished by some Lanham Act sword, so may your favorite animated movie studio or taco dispensary.

Tragically,

Charles Carreon Esq.

This is how I thug.

This is how I thug(full text). Once my detractors don’t waffle after being threatened with six figure sums, and they show the annoying tenacity to continue to mock me and bring out unethical behaviors of my past, I like to go after their employment. One of the best douchebag moves, the most censoriously brilliant play, is to try and get your critics fired. It’s right up there with going after their uninvolved family members and photoshopping dicks on their faces. Everyone uses their work computer for personal tasks, just like me. Hence it’s really easy to get people fired that way.

Even if they don’t back down after being fired, hopefully they’ll go broke and lose the ability to pay for their internet or their defense. Either way I win. If they aren’t fired they still know that if they continue criticizing me, I’ll try to hurt them in any way possible, which also chills their speech. It’s all a direct ladder of thuggery:

  1. Be thuggish douchebag censor on the internet.
  2. Anonymous people criticize you on websites.
  3. Threaten anonymous person with big cash judgements.
  4. Threaten anonymous person’s webhost for their identity.
  5. Use their identity to try to shame them.
  6. Use their identity to find out their employer and harass them.

Brilliant yes?

Super Thug,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Nazi Fighting Dinosaurs

This is why I need a Tyrannosaurus Rex. What are you going to fight a horde of Oatmeal loving Nazis with? A COMMANDO DINOSAUR THAT’S WHAT! See, I can now prove without a doubt that dinocloning is possible. If the United States did it back in the 1930′s why can’t it be done now? There is no reason, other than the Illuminati convincing us it isn’t possible. See the Illuminati know that dinosaurs could tilt the balance of power away from them, and they refuse to let that happen. More specifically, Matthew Inman and Kenneth White refuse to let that happen. This is a battle for the future, the present, and the past. A battle which we cannot lose and direly need dinosaurs to help us win.

The proof is right there in front of you. Dinosaurs have been successfully cloned and weaponized since World War II. It’s possible, it’s practical, and any sane person will tell you, a gun toting T-Rex is an awesome idea.

Hyped,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Matthew Inman has raised 1 million dollars.

I now sit here, pondering if dinosaurs sleep standing up and if they dream, and how to best pillage the money Mr. Inman has raised for my dinocloning laboratory. I would also need a good gag order from a court so that Oatmeal guy wouldn’t go blabbing to the internet about how I was try to steal from his “charity.” His internet gang are a ferocious horde or free speakers who will not be silenced no matter how much I threaten them with T-Rex destruction, I hate them, so I must silence their master before he calls upon them. It’s like what they did with my book on Amazon.com. Even my Tara can see the truth.

 For example, Matt Inman’s people made thousands of bad reviews about Charles’ book, “The Sex.Com Chronicles,” on Amazon. Obviously, a thousand people didn’t read the book,

See, all those fake reviews. She says it plainly, obviously a thousand people didn’t read my book… wait… what?! What does she mean obviously a thousand people didn’t read my book? It was a good book! People read it… I mean… I even gave it away for free… so someone had to read it right? This is quite troubling… what does it mean when thousands of people read a crude artist like Inman but not a single person will read my free book? It must be a conspiracy, it just must be.

Saddened,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Often imitated never duplicated.

John C. Dorvak is about to get a cease and desist like he’s never seen before. These sort of theories and government conspiracies are clearly plagiarized from Nader Library. It’s like he took entire posts, combined them into one, and changed the words around to hide it. This is unacceptable and I do not find it the least bit amusing. I would be okay with this only if I felt he was being genuine, which clearly he is not because he never once mentioned the Illuminati or dinosaurs. We all know that secret government wire taps have to be approved by Matthew Inman and his Illuminati cohorts. It’s basic logic.

I don’t know where this Johnny boy gets off trying to twist the facts and deceive good Americans into believing that the NSA or FBI act upon anything without their Nazi conspirator’s approval. I will not have my beliefs distorted to fit into some technobabble fantasy land. This is the worst sort of crime imaginable, a crime of faith and virtue. Why do these people think that they can mock intellectual property that others have spent their entire lives creating and researching. You know how many religious teachings had to be perverted to come up with that work? Billions. Seriously. So go ahead and laugh John, but when the dinosaur revolution begins you’ll be another dinosnack.

With steel resolve,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Jack Daniel’s needs new representation.


Look at this. Just look at it. Blah blah blah, I’m a nice Tennessee lawyer. What the hell are these people doing? Not only do they not threaten this person’s ability to speak freely about their brand, but they even offer him money? YOU DEMAND MONEY! This is what gives us lawyers a bad name, people trying to deceive the public into thinking we should be nice and polite. I don’t care if they got the intended result. We are lawyers, warriors of the legalese, knights of financial destruction, bearers of the bar, etc. These guys came out looking like Colonel Sanders (another cloned fast food Illuminati pawn). You never go full Colonel Sanders.

What sort of lawyering is that? How are you supposed to finance a dinosaur army with good wishes and polite word craft? I am going to write Jack Daniel’s today and demand they drop their incompetent counsel in trade for my services. Not only will I not throw their money away at any would be author turned copyright infringer, but I’ll procure the finest dinosaur DNA for a joint cloning venture. Look at the picture above, my experiments with Tyrannosaurus DNA and kitten DNA is really paying off. We are just a few steps away from crushing these First Amendment advocates. With my newly preposed tort and the dinosaur clones, we’ll rule the internet and the world. Below is how I will respond in the future to trademark infringement if I become Jack Daniel’s lead counsel:

  1. Demand at least but not limited to $100,000
  2. Threaten to sue in any of 30 jurisdictions in order to scare the target into compliance.
  3. Demand they hand over all copies of the infringement for destruction and any domain names they control.
  4. Inform them that I can litigate for essentially forever, especially once I clone myself therefor ensuring my immortality.
  5. That once I crush the Illuminati, I will use their time travel devices to erase the infringer from existence.
  6. That I can and will name them horrible things like “rapeutationist” and draw genitals on their faces.
  7. Demand attorney fees in the form of dinosaurs.
  8. Ask that they forward my demand letter to Ralph Nader.

Mad as hell,

Charles Carreon Esq.

 

 

The conspiracy continues.

I have started mapping this evil time traveling plot against me and the decency I stand for. It goes back centuries and time itself has been unraveled to attack me. It all started after the drafting of the United States Constitution. Did you know there were no guarantees of free speech in it? No these rights were amended through the Bill of Rights created in 1789 and ratified in 1791. The Constitution was created in 1787!

Do you see what I see? The Oatmeal sent his legions back in time to intimidate and coerce the leaders of our young republic to include the Bill of Rights! Why? So they could attack me! So they could say whatever they thought about me, and generally be mean stinky pants. This OTTC is wide ranging and at the root of every “freedom” that has been used to deprive me of my rightful due. They are changing our very history so they can bring me battle on multiple fronts!

This is like when they successfully convinced people the Earth revolved around the Sun. If the Earth moves around the Sun why does the Sun move in the sky? You can’t answer that, because it’s false. If the Sun was the center of the galaxy it wouldn’t move! Next they’re going to tell me the Moon changes in the sky because the Earth revolves around that too. Madness. I can’t begin to even understand how these Illuminati have infiltrated every aspect of the scientific community, but the proof is there. If I see it happen with my own eyes, I know it’s true.

Martyr,

Charles Carreon Esq.

A cave. A man. A cloning machine.

I am back in my undisclosed mud cave impenetrable underground lair. The Illuminati are every where now and I’ve had to go black from the last several hours. Only now as Tara pedals our old exercise bike for our generator can I boot up the old Tandy 1000. It’s been a hectic 24 hours and I am unconvinced that the CIA doesn’t know what I am up to. We have began to build our dinosaur cloning device. I am short some materials so I will list them below, encase you can help supply them. Items crossed out are already ready to go.

  1. 15 empty peanut butter jars, preferably Skippy brand.
  2. 3000 yards of aluminum foil.
  3. 3 sporks.
  4. 500 yards of duct tape.
  5. 1 modern PC.
  6. 3000 yards of unwaxed floss.
  7. 3 pounds of weapons grade plutonium.
  8. 3 sticks of Juicy Fruit.
  9. 100 yards cat5 cabling.
  10. 2 centrifuges.
  11. A microwave oven.
  12. 9 panels of sheet metal.
  13. 13 hamsters.
  14. M&Ms.
  15. 10′ of PVC piping, 2″ diameter.
  16. Frog blood.
  17. 1 copy of Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton 

Soon with your help we will raise a mighty Tyrannosaur Army to silence our critics and enslave those who would hack into my blog to post comments! I will suppress all bloggers including that Little Lying Bitch. My mighty reptilian legions will devour all detractors including Paul Levy, Cathy Gellis, Kenneth White, Marc Randazza and Martha Stewart (because we all know you can’t bake cookies that good without a heaping scoop of evil). Once they have fallen, my army will march upon the Halls of the Oatmeal and deal him a defeat that no Pterodactyl will be able to save him from. Anyone who says different is a quack. The only people who disagree with my mighty quest are Illuminati scientist who try to convince us that some invisible force keeps us from falling off the planet into space. How the hell would you fall into space? SPACE IS UP! Liars.

Jurassic Cave Dweller,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Wikipedia is Mafia

So I went to great lengths to create a wikipedia article that read like a resumé. I used the LLC of a porn actress that I registered a trademark for. See who edited my first wikipedia page and her wikipedia page? Want proof? Here you go. So I develop this devious plan to make us look like Gods of the Internets and then wikipedia bans our account? Mafia conspirators. They probably are part of the Oatmeal Time Travel Conspiracy, or OTTC as I like to call it.

This is preposterous. I made my own wikipedia page to look good on the internet. Then these wikipedia people take part in rapeutation. Don’t they understand that free speech is only speech that makes me look good? How is a White Hat Internet Lawyer supposed to look good without creating his own wikipedia page? I mean other than taking more than one notable case ever, a case I kind of got kicked off of… This is blatant DIRA. I bet wikipedia took part in the DOS attacks on my site too. Those evil bastards. I wonder who’s in charge of wikipedia? How do you find out that sort of information? Maybe I’ll sue them to find out and gain dinosaur cloning technology.

Super Honest,

Charles Carreon Esq.

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