Does Anyone Have An Airplane?

 

It’s been weeks since we left our house. The conditions have become squalid and unbearable. I haven’t had a latte in forever and feel like the world is coming to an end. Why won’t these Illuminati leave me be? Every door knock, telephone ring, and stranger on the street could be an agent of my nemesis, the Oatmeal. We are running low on supplies, we’ve been subsisting off of saltine crackers and ketchup for 3 days now, and I am tired of using supermarket ads for toilet paper. Our television broke a week ago too, so I’ve been flipping through my only entertainment, a binder full of women.

Please if any Dinosaur sympathizers are out there with an airplane, please airdrop us supplies! With your help my dinocloning device made out of mucus and uncooked macaroni can continue being built. Together with your airplane, toilet paper, food, and my brains, we’d be unstoppable! Together we can stop all these people with silly names, like oatmeal, popehat, and Barack Obama.

Help!

Charles Carreon Esq.

Nazi Fighting Dinosaurs

This is why I need a Tyrannosaurus Rex. What are you going to fight a horde of Oatmeal loving Nazis with? A COMMANDO DINOSAUR THAT’S WHAT! See, I can now prove without a doubt that dinocloning is possible. If the United States did it back in the 1930′s why can’t it be done now? There is no reason, other than the Illuminati convincing us it isn’t possible. See the Illuminati know that dinosaurs could tilt the balance of power away from them, and they refuse to let that happen. More specifically, Matthew Inman and Kenneth White refuse to let that happen. This is a battle for the future, the present, and the past. A battle which we cannot lose and direly need dinosaurs to help us win.

The proof is right there in front of you. Dinosaurs have been successfully cloned and weaponized since World War II. It’s possible, it’s practical, and any sane person will tell you, a gun toting T-Rex is an awesome idea.

Hyped,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Matthew Inman has raised 1 million dollars.

I now sit here, pondering if dinosaurs sleep standing up and if they dream, and how to best pillage the money Mr. Inman has raised for my dinocloning laboratory. I would also need a good gag order from a court so that Oatmeal guy wouldn’t go blabbing to the internet about how I was try to steal from his “charity.” His internet gang are a ferocious horde or free speakers who will not be silenced no matter how much I threaten them with T-Rex destruction, I hate them, so I must silence their master before he calls upon them. It’s like what they did with my book on Amazon.com. Even my Tara can see the truth.

 For example, Matt Inman’s people made thousands of bad reviews about Charles’ book, “The Sex.Com Chronicles,” on Amazon. Obviously, a thousand people didn’t read the book,

See, all those fake reviews. She says it plainly, obviously a thousand people didn’t read my book… wait… what?! What does she mean obviously a thousand people didn’t read my book? It was a good book! People read it… I mean… I even gave it away for free… so someone had to read it right? This is quite troubling… what does it mean when thousands of people read a crude artist like Inman but not a single person will read my free book? It must be a conspiracy, it just must be.

Saddened,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Guest Blog!

http://rapeutation.com/2012/07/28/charity-fraud/

Sometimes I hate Wikipedia, but sometimes it’s my go to source for information! You might think that’s weird but it’s not, it’s like the way David Winn Miller uses the courts for evil, instead of the way Charles uses them (for money justice.) Want to know more about David Winn Miller? Go to Wikipedia!

Except don’t go for the article about my husband, or my library’s legal troubles. Wikipedia is not a legitimate source, and it run by the Illuminati Nihilists at the Facebooks, probably. ZUCKERBERG, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO HIDE!?

For example look at the article for Ken’s hate-blog Popehat.com (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Popehat). As you can see, it doesn’t have ANYTHING AT ALL about him trying to destroy us. It doesn’t even talk about his lawyering.

So yeah, Wikipedia is pretty much a nonsource (Nonsense?) and you never really want to refer to it, except when you do because it IS the encyclopedia of the people and not the lame stream media. And if you’re not sure if a source is good or not, ask a librarian!

Consistently,

Satirical Tara Carreon

All charity is scam. AKA Relinquish your money to I.

2 gazillion dollars a year is misappropriated by charities. All charities are evil. If you need to give your money away, do it the American way, invest it. Right now I am accepting all levels of investments in my next level of DinoCloning(TM) the amazing… Raccoonosaurus Rex. After the success of the Kittenosaurus Rex I’ve had investors lined up around the block, but now through my secret blog (the one you are reading now) I can accept your investments immediately. Just be a pal and leave your full name, SNN, bank account number, bank routing number, date of birth, place of birth, and mother’s maiden name in my comment section with an investment amount. Remember, don’t donate, dinoate.

Charitable Investment Manager,

Charles Carreon Esq.

I am big in Asia.

So I can’t read Chinese but I’m pretty sure this article says how awesome I am. It’s probably full of factual accounts of how I am a champion of freedom. I bet it’s talking about how I am standing up for decency by stopping charities from receiving over $200k because the people donating were angry. You can’t donate angry. You can only donate while riding unicorns that shit skittles. You certainly can’t donate to make me look like a fool. I think 99% of America wants me to stop this Inman character and his Cash Christ mentality. I can’t believe he can just go around bribing bears and cancer patients with no remorse or moral compass. What next? Politicians taking bribes to insert amendments to laws? It’s really only a very vocal minority that keeps slandering me. Calling me all sorts of terrible names, like “Charles Carreon” and “Jack Thompson.” The only thing I don’t get is what the hell does Barbara Streisand have to do with it? Either way it is time to go full Rakofsky.

All I know is that when this is all over, I am going to take my $220,024 plus attorney fees and go to Asia where I can get a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t. I heard they find Tyrannosaurus Rex fossils in Mongolia all the time. Does anyone know how much a live Tyrannosaurus Rex would set me back? I bet China would be a great place to silence your critics

Hello Hainan,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Oh yes she did.

Donate.

This week the Internet watched as an attorney tried to halt charitable giving and attack the First Amendment rights of a web comic, because said attorney’s feelings were hurt.  What started as an amazing charity, which proved beyond a shadow of doubt the lengths the Internet is willing to go to preserve our rights to freedom of speech and help out great causes in the process, quickly became a legal circus, with the butthurt attorney as the ring leader.  As a result of his legal shenanigans two charities that might have received sizable donations, now will not.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 73 other followers

%d bloggers like this: