Fluoride.

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You know all those conspiracies that revolve around fluoride in your water? Well it’s true. I have proof too. One of the evil Popehat’s staunchest allies Adam Steinbaugh had once vexed me tirelessly, but now that I have learned the trick of fluoride mind control, also known as Cavity Oral Suggestion Technique (COST), he is fully under my control. To prove it, I submit these exhibits on the record:

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You see!?! My new minion already does my righteous bidding. He has procured me a fine T-Rex skeleton made from metal to produce my first ever, Robosaurus Rex!!!!! That massive metal frame along with these unsuspecting schmucks who created a cheap $45 robot controlling super computer, I will be invincible!

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So Popehat’s Legion of Haters better beware, I am coming for them and they should rightfully be afraid of torture. Hell hath no fury like a Carreon scorned. Soon I will be marching my army of Robosaurus Rex against the Illuminati. There is no stopping me now. The end nears for the dastardly cowards who oppose liberty. My first amendment right to threaten vexatious legal thuggery will be upheld!

Robotics Engineer,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Zounds! I am undone!

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$45,100.25… the Illuminati judge couldn’t even spot me the quarter. Do you know how many late payments on a Prius I could make with that sort of money? Well the joke is on the litigation conspirators, I already spent all my money on Coprolite. The best part is that I am going to write it off on my taxes as a small business expense. So unless they want payment in the form of dinosaur shit, they are shit out of luck.

The joke is also on Judge Seeborg who said, “Then, in response to this motion for attorney fees under the Lanham Act, defendant engaged in unnecessary, vexatious, and costly tactics in preparation of his opposition to the motion,” because I don’t understand what he said here anyways. How was I vexatious? I was fighting off the evil Illuminati conspiracy and when you engage in such warfare there is no quarter.

I must now find safe haven away from these tyrannical people, they have bested me repeatedly by using my only oversight against me. I would have won in a fair fight, but I was naive to assume that the system hadn’t already been overrun, corrupted and perverted by the Illuminati. You see my friends, I never stood a chance, because they planned this all out. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that Paul Levy or Ken White were in fact the admin of FunnyJunk. You see, as one of the last free thinking people of the United States, the Illuminati needed to publicly disgrace me. They laid out their trap and I stepped into it, like dog shit in tall grass.

Wiping it off my feet,

Charles Carreon Esq.

You can’t turn shields into swords!

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You just can’t. This is especially true of leather shields, wood shields, and shields made of non-corporeal things like the First Amendment. To turn a First Amendment shield into a Lanham Act sword you would need a 17 sided die, 3 cloves of garlic, the great rune of Dinosaur, purified animus and 3 gallons of swine blood. No mere federal judge can anoint some gripe site owner a sword so powerful that any trademark holder must cower in their worthlessness!

These pesky Illuminatus have pissed in my well once too many times! I am sick and tired of being pushed around and made to drink water that taste oddly tart. While we are talking about the Illuminati, have I ever told you about their lawyer hating brethern? Libertarians. The first time I met a Libertarian, I thought they said “librarian” and asked about the Dewey Decimal System, needless to say that Libertarian wasn’t very fond of this lawyer! Libertarians have no sense of humor either.

Back to the whole sword thing, you just don’t tell trademark owners that they can’t make vexatious and baseless legal threats without any real punishment. Such attitudes are an affront to the entire American legal system. If people like this gripe site owner are let loose on the world, no trademark will be worth spit because they’ll just run around preemptively suing Disney and Taco Bell! “Whoa dude I hate Taco Bell, man now I have to sue them to protect my rights and stuff, cause like I said I hated them or something!” (Note my unwashed masses speak is a bit rusty) People will be able to go around and not fear the righteous anger of the trademark holders, people will speak freely about trademark holders, and this will deprive trademark holders and vexatious lawyers from exercising their own First Amendment rights!

This is the downfall of America people, when your daughter comes home impregnated by some hipster with a lip piercing and your dog runs away, remember this very moment. When Disney has to cancel the next Little Mermaid on ice performance because it has to pay some lump because that lump sued them for no reason, remember this moment. For if I lay banished by some Lanham Act sword, so may your favorite animated movie studio or taco dispensary.

Tragically,

Charles Carreon Esq.

I need more time!

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This is not a delay tactic to impose further unnecessary burdens upon the plaintiff and his counsel. It is quite simple, if I don’t get an extension of 4 months I won’t be able to complete my DinoCloner™ in time to storm California and redact my defeat. I am so close, so very close. Who would have thought that it was a simple matter of using copper wiring instead of uncooked spaghetti and blue crayon instead of red? I know this will work. Mr. Recouvreur will rue the day he said I was a censorious douchebag.

Imagine the scene as Tyrannosaurus Rex storms the court house shrieking in rage, blood boiling with murder, and teeth gnashing in berserk delight. It will be a glorious day as my dinosaur legion shreds through the very halls of justice that did me injustice. The blitz of dinosaur destruction. The melee of a truly Jurassic proportion. It will be blissful to obtain my revenge and I only need 4 months to make it happen. The Illuminati will flee my mighty dinosaur and I shall rid us all of the Nazi computer zombie horde.

Also for those of you following along on my DinoCloner™, make sure to wash your hands and wear gloves before touching any DNA samples. I accidentally spoiled a sample and all I cloned was a mutated midget version of myself. The little bastard ate all my cookies and now won’t come out of the dryer. He also bit my hand something fierce.

So close,

Charles Carreon Esq.

A Chance To Feed My Dinosaurs

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This poor man is being defamed I say! DEFAMED! First this innocent heavy metal artist with a warrior poets soul, is just trying to make a living and provide for his baby mama. He has no connection to any revenge porn site, never mind the fact that he claimed in November that it was “our site.” He misspoke. Anyone who says differently are trolling defamers and will be held to the highest standard of the law. These trolls are all actually the same person. Chris Recouvreur. He is Joe Pullen, Captain Obvious and Ken Popehat all in one. He is the virtual illuminati and has even brought legal warfare to my door.

Chance Trahan will defeat this Chris Recouvreur and his wife, dog, fake aliases, and horde of Norwegian bikini models. Even as I sit licking my wounds, a more apt challenger has arrived to take back common internet decency from these evil hacks! Together we can rule the internet and chase off these defamers who continually try to ruin average American’s lives. Finally my Dinocloning will work and the results shall be miraculous!

Revived,

Charles Carreon Esq.

I have triumphed!

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My vile enemy Christopher Recouvreur has accepted my offer of judgement, I have won. Yes I was able to scare, harass, and annoy him and his employer and get away without losing my DinoCloner™!  He might still be able to make fun of me on his website that clearly uses my own name, but now I am free to use my considerably skills to continue on against the other Illuminati. Just like with that vile Inman character, I have won by losing. Losing and winning at the same time is an art form I perfected during the Sex.com case. I won the case, lost my fees, but wrote a book about it making myself look like a lawyer version of the Terminator.

Maybe I should write a book about ducking service against a plaintiff that I myself threatened to frivolously sue. I can title it, “The Assassination of Free Speech By The Coward Charles Carreon” or, “The Charles-Carreon.com Chronicles.” I could just write a book about my cloning of dinosaurs… maybe “Triassic Mark.”

Remember potential clients, if anyone says anything that doesn’t make you feel like unicorns are prancing across a rainbow inside your soul, I will be there to threaten lawsuit against your adversary. If they make a blog that pretends you are some half lawyer, half scientist quack, I can force their weak willed domain registrar to identify them. Introducing my new slogan:

If your soul doesn’t feel like unicorns prancing on rainbows, call Charles Carreon Esq.

#Winning,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Ghastly Enemies At The Gate

It’s about time. It took my Illuminati advasaries nearly 5 months to track me down. What sort of secret society are they anyways? I am starting to think that their all powerful manipulation is a weapon that they wield inefficiently.

Apparently my new invention the DinoBrain™ is working well. What is DinoBrain™? I take the finest alloy metal that has been pressed and rolled into sheets (aluminum foil) and form it into a bowl shape. I then insert powdered dinosaur (alligator) bone and Hunts™ ketchup into the bowl and mix it into a paste. I tried using Heinz™ ketchup, but the Illuminati can see right through that stuff. Then I take additional rare alloy sheet metal and form a insular dome over the original dome and press the whole apparatus over my head to mold it to it’s shape. I then bake the mold for 6 hours at 275 degrees in order to set it and make it impregnable to Illuminati mind location devices.

It’s easily apparent that Cathy Gellis, or as the Illuminati call her Magister Exploratores, only located me as I had to take off my DinoBrain™ to pass through metal detectors at a court house. You see the Illuminati make sure that there are metal detectors every where, especially where you travel. Why? So that you’d have to take off your mind blocking helmets if you are to change locations, therefor they can track you always. She says in her filing:

On November 15, 2012, I personally served defendant the Summons and Amended Complaint in this case on defendant Charles Carreon. After Mr. Carreon told my co-counsel, Mr. Levy, that he was unwilling to expose himself to service (a copy of his email is attached as Exhibit A), I verified that he was scheduled to present oral argument on November 15 in a case pending before Judge Chen. I went to Judge Chen’s courtroom in the Federal Building, 450 Golden Gate Avenue, San Francisco, California. At 10:15 Mr. Carreon’s matter was called, and he identified himself to the court. At 10:50 his hearing concluded. I waited in the hall for Mr. Carreon to leave the courtroom, which he did by 10:55. When he did, I addressed him by name and said I had a summons and complaint for him. He extended his arm and took them. Service thus complete, I left the courthouse.

What she didn’t mention is how she appeared out of thin air like some sort of ghastly wraith and brought me to my knees with her Illuminati mind powers. She says I extended my arm to take the papers from her, but that is completely false. I extended my arm to shield my face from her piercing gaze that stuck me into my soul. I tell you these Illuminati are completely evil. No decent person would stand up for some no-name blogger who was at odds with a powerful lawyer like me. Real lawyers stick together, they do not argue cases for other people.

My psychic wounds are slowly healing now, as I regain my strength I will begin to hatch a plot to undo my tormentors. I have new allies too, like David Blade III and the clone of Herbert Hoover. Together we will breed a legion of dinosaurs to wreak havoc and let loose the dogs of war!

Beaten but not beat,

Charles Carreon Esq.

TO: Craig Brittain RE: I hate Ken Popehat too!

Dear Craig Brittain,

If you have read my arch nemesis’ blog popehat.com, you should know how much hassle he has caused for me. It is because of this, and his now continual harassment of you, that I say we should sue him for mental distress on your part. I also say we go after that law quoting neophyte Adam Steinbaugh for trying to make you look like a fool. These two legal harpies must, and will be taught a lesson.We can even stick it to Marc Randazza for taking me off his Christmas Card list… or for threatening you… that’s a better legal strategy probably.Here is how:

1.   I will draft a letter to all parties envolved stating that they have caused you emotional stress.

2.   I will demand $20,000 and that their domains now point to your illustrious website.

3.   I will use half of the $20,000 to clone a T-Rex.

4.   The T-Rex will eat Ken Popehat, Adam Steinbaugh, and Marc Randazza

5.   Crystal Cox will send you a thank you card.

6.   I will take the other half of the $20,000 and set up a Charitable Trust for you.

All I require is an advancement of one DNA sample from an amber mosquito and a site rip of all your currently hosted pictures… for research.

Sincerely,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Does Anyone Have An Airplane?

 

It’s been weeks since we left our house. The conditions have become squalid and unbearable. I haven’t had a latte in forever and feel like the world is coming to an end. Why won’t these Illuminati leave me be? Every door knock, telephone ring, and stranger on the street could be an agent of my nemesis, the Oatmeal. We are running low on supplies, we’ve been subsisting off of saltine crackers and ketchup for 3 days now, and I am tired of using supermarket ads for toilet paper. Our television broke a week ago too, so I’ve been flipping through my only entertainment, a binder full of women.

Please if any Dinosaur sympathizers are out there with an airplane, please airdrop us supplies! With your help my dinocloning device made out of mucus and uncooked macaroni can continue being built. Together with your airplane, toilet paper, food, and my brains, we’d be unstoppable! Together we can stop all these people with silly names, like oatmeal, popehat, and Barack Obama.

Help!

Charles Carreon Esq.

What if they have a T-Rex?

I though of something entirely terrifying tonight. What if my enemies already have a Tyrannosaurus Rex? What if it’s been some kind of cat and mouse game, but the whole time it was them just toying with me as a cat would do? That would mean that no matter what I do, they’ve already won…

Am I crazy? Could I just be paranoid? Only if it’s crazy to assume all my detractors are Nazi Illuminati Conspirators, and we all know that’s perfectly sane. Could a paranoid person come up with a website called rapeutation.com that outlined an internet wide conspiracy to drag my name through the dirt? No, of course not. I’m sane. I really am. What’s insane is people trying to tell me to man up an accept I’m not some victim, just a narcissistic asshole.

Well Adjusted,

Charles Carreon Esq.

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