You see that cretins? You are legally bound. Bound I say. Bound to not defame my (hopefully soon to be) clients Amy and Samy of Amy’s Baking Company. You are nobodies, even if you were once somebody, you are not any more. Like the hammer of Thor dropping down on some ice giant, Amy’s Baking Company is going to come down on you feeble internet hooligans.
You’re so dumb, for real. You left your facebook names all over their page. We are going to find you, so even if you hide your kids and hide your wife, we’ll find you. You will be liable for breach of contract which won’t be dissolvable by bankruptcy or even an act of God.
I’ve warned the internet so many times. You can’t just go around bad mouthing legitimate businesses and expect white-hat lawyers to sit idly by. For now the wrath of Carreon is upon all of you facebook users, yelpers, and especially the vile stench filled puss sack, reddit.
Fresh of the victorious filing of my notice to appeal the Illuminati financed blogger and his nazi conspirators, I am refreshed and will bring down great vexatious legal torment upon the detractors of Amy and Samy. You are done ruining everything like our facebook page and ice cream sundaes. I bet you’re infuriating constant internet commenting is contributing to global warming too.
We are not crazy like you,
Charles Carreon Esq.
Posted by Satirical Charles on May 15, 2013
The “Lawyer” shall now explain why I chose the titles I used in my response to the “Gripesite Operator” motion for attorney fees. I wrote my motion as a play, a theatrical work, in order of course to impress Judge Seeborg with my creative flair. See, I always wanted to be a writer. Hence my many highly regarded ebooks available online. I am a man of passionate creativity and a romanticist; I cannot help that my legalese came out as poetic prose really.
A few questions asked of me:
Q – Why use “Gripesite Operator” which is 18 characters long rather than Plaintiff which is half as long at 9 characters in length?
A – It’s a blatant attempt to bias readers against the evil Illuminati Libertarian Popehat pawn.
Q – Why use the title the “Lawyer” rather than your last name when multiple lawyers are envolved in the litigation? Isn’t it confusing?
A – I am the only real lawyer envolved in the litigation. I also refuse to acknowledge one of the Gripesite Operator’s counsels.
Q – Isn’t it “Gripe site” not “Gripesite?”
A – Your correction of my misspelling is infringing upon my First Amendment rights, as such I shall exercise my First Amendment right to vexatiously threaten you with lawsuits.
Now that I have answered your pathetically dull questions, I must go and buy myself some more glue. Throwing theories at a judge hoping that one will stick requires a ton of Elmer’s. Don’t tell anyone, but I think someone in the house has been eating a bunch as well…
Charles Carreon Esq.
Posted by Satirical Charles on March 22, 2013
You just can’t. This is especially true of leather shields, wood shields, and shields made of non-corporeal things like the First Amendment. To turn a First Amendment shield into a Lanham Act sword you would need a 17 sided die, 3 cloves of garlic, the great rune of Dinosaur, purified animus and 3 gallons of swine blood. No mere federal judge can anoint some gripe site owner a sword so powerful that any trademark holder must cower in their worthlessness!
These pesky Illuminatus have pissed in my well once too many times! I am sick and tired of being pushed around and made to drink water that taste oddly tart. While we are talking about the Illuminati, have I ever told you about their lawyer hating brethern? Libertarians. The first time I met a Libertarian, I thought they said “librarian” and asked about the Dewey Decimal System, needless to say that Libertarian wasn’t very fond of this lawyer! Libertarians have no sense of humor either.
Back to the whole sword thing, you just don’t tell trademark owners that they can’t make vexatious and baseless legal threats without any real punishment. Such attitudes are an affront to the entire American legal system. If people like this gripe site owner are let loose on the world, no trademark will be worth spit because they’ll just run around preemptively suing Disney and Taco Bell! “Whoa dude I hate Taco Bell, man now I have to sue them to protect my rights and stuff, cause like I said I hated them or something!” (Note my unwashed masses speak is a bit rusty) People will be able to go around and not fear the righteous anger of the trademark holders, people will speak freely about trademark holders, and this will deprive trademark holders and vexatious lawyers from exercising their own First Amendment rights!
This is the downfall of America people, when your daughter comes home impregnated by some hipster with a lip piercing and your dog runs away, remember this very moment. When Disney has to cancel the next Little Mermaid on ice performance because it has to pay some lump because that lump sued them for no reason, remember this moment. For if I lay banished by some Lanham Act sword, so may your favorite animated movie studio or taco dispensary.
Charles Carreon Esq.
Posted by Satirical Charles on March 21, 2013
Every time I think I can’t be more impressed with Christopher Dietz of Dietz Development LLC, I find myself incorrect. When reviewing that dastardly Jane Perez’s “evidence” against the honorable Dietz, I found these documents adding an additional wrinkle to his deviously splendid plan!
What brilliant strategy, cunning business sense, and diabolical genius. Dietz according to complaints against him, takes contracts then does little to no work and bills people for extra unperformed services (sheer brilliance!), then according to this documents I unearthed, he doesn’t even pay his employees! That’s right, he takes your money, doesn’t spend anything on materials, and then keeps all the money for himself! Dietz is truly a high priest of the Capitalist Buddha.
A man with such ability and skill at being a vexatious twat-waffle will be a worthy opponent to defeat the likes of Paul Alan Levy and his Illuminati brethren at Public Citizen and the ACLU. I could not ask for a better champion to reclaim my honor be default fact that I support him morally! Yes, I have been forced to capitulate to the Illuminati conspiracy, but now the Dietz cometh to smite the Illuminati unto the bowls of netherworld.
Today we lay waste to the first amendment rights of all netizens so that tomorrow we can cement a future where no matter what a business person does (or doesn’t) do to/for them, they will never be able to speak out in an open forum without dire legal consequences. This isn’t about Jane Perez, it’s about every dirty little peasant who complained about a $6 sandwich at some shop because it wasn’t hot enough, or there was mold on the bread. For fucks sake, you are paying $6 and you want quality control? Get a real job, like a lawyer, and be able to afford a real meal.
This country and her citizens have gotten completely out of hand. You can’t just complain about anything you want online. You can’t claim even with filing a police report that you think someone stole from you. Next time buy a goddamn safety deposit box like a real person with a job would do. Or a massive underground safe like a good Bond villain would do. Do something other than tattle on a poor contractor. Just because Dietz doesn’t pay his employees doesn’t mean they might have taken property to feed their families. It means they must be frugal with what money they have. This whole Jane Perez and Yelp affair is sickening.
Charles Carreon Esq.
Posted by Satirical Charles on January 9, 2013
My vile enemy Christopher Recouvreur has accepted my offer of judgement, I have won. Yes I was able to scare, harass, and annoy him and his employer and get away without losing my DinoCloner™! He might still be able to make fun of me on his website that clearly uses my own name, but now I am free to use my considerably skills to continue on against the other Illuminati. Just like with that vile Inman character, I have won by losing. Losing and winning at the same time is an art form I perfected during the Sex.com case. I won the case, lost my fees, but wrote a book about it making myself look like a lawyer version of the Terminator.
Maybe I should write a book about ducking service against a plaintiff that I myself threatened to frivolously sue. I can title it, “The Assassination of Free Speech By The Coward Charles Carreon” or, “The Charles-Carreon.com Chronicles.” I could just write a book about my cloning of dinosaurs… maybe “Triassic Mark.”
Remember potential clients, if anyone says anything that doesn’t make you feel like unicorns are prancing across a rainbow inside your soul, I will be there to threaten lawsuit against your adversary. If they make a blog that pretends you are some half lawyer, half scientist quack, I can force their weak willed domain registrar to identify them. Introducing my new slogan:
If your soul doesn’t feel like unicorns prancing on rainbows, call Charles Carreon Esq.
Charles Carreon Esq.
Posted by Satirical Charles on December 18, 2012
This is how I thug(full text). Once my detractors don’t waffle after being threatened with six figure sums, and they show the annoying tenacity to continue to mock me and bring out unethical behaviors of my past, I like to go after their employment. One of the best douchebag moves, the most censoriously brilliant play, is to try and get your critics fired. It’s right up there with going after their uninvolved family members and photoshopping dicks on their faces. Everyone uses their work computer for personal tasks, just like me. Hence it’s really easy to get people fired that way.
Even if they don’t back down after being fired, hopefully they’ll go broke and lose the ability to pay for their internet or their defense. Either way I win. If they aren’t fired they still know that if they continue criticizing me, I’ll try to hurt them in any way possible, which also chills their speech. It’s all a direct ladder of thuggery:
- Be thuggish douchebag censor on the internet.
- Anonymous people criticize you on websites.
- Threaten anonymous person with big cash judgements.
- Threaten anonymous person’s webhost for their identity.
- Use their identity to try to shame them.
- Use their identity to find out their employer and harass them.
Charles Carreon Esq.
Posted by Satirical Charles on September 6, 2012
I now sit here, pondering if dinosaurs sleep standing up and if they dream, and how to best pillage the money Mr. Inman has raised for my dinocloning laboratory. I would also need a good gag order from a court so that Oatmeal guy wouldn’t go blabbing to the internet about how I was try to steal from his “charity.” His internet gang are a ferocious horde or free speakers who will not be silenced no matter how much I threaten them with T-Rex destruction, I hate them, so I must silence their master before he calls upon them. It’s like what they did with my book on Amazon.com. Even my Tara can see the truth.
For example, Matt Inman’s people made thousands of bad reviews about Charles’ book, “The Sex.Com Chronicles,” on Amazon. Obviously, a thousand people didn’t read the book,
See, all those fake reviews. She says it plainly, obviously a thousand people didn’t read my book… wait… what?! What does she mean obviously a thousand people didn’t read my book? It was a good book! People read it… I mean… I even gave it away for free… so someone had to read it right? This is quite troubling… what does it mean when thousands of people read a crude artist like Inman but not a single person will read my free book? It must be a conspiracy, it just must be.
Charles Carreon Esq.
Posted by Satirical Charles on August 30, 2012
Mr. Carreon, no doubt are you aware of the shitstorm that went on when tosh.0 made a heinous rape joke: such behavior is very problematic. This isn’t a threat of any kind, but I, and many others, would greatly appreciate if you didn’t fling around the word ‘rape’ in such a joking manner, such as with your website: “rapeutation.com”
The usage of the word is highly offensive and references a terrifying act of power and violence against another individual that, while I do not wish to diminish whatever trauma you may have received via threats and humiliation due to the oatmeal case, is not comparable to a sexual assault. I would appreciate it if you would put this into consideration and rename your website.
Posted by Satirical Charles on July 26, 2012
Here are two letters from the secret Illuminati member Shannon. Quite frankly I can’t even figure out how Mr. Carreon was able to read her email address when she mailed him, as it was encrypted through CIA servers.
This is so cool! I figured the slime ball wouldn’t even take the time to read my email, much less post it for the whole world to see!! I feel so powerful right now I’m almost giddy. All of this just because I love my oatmeal!
I’ve been called many things in my 48 years on Earth, but no one has ever called me a “rapeutationist” before. I might need to get some new business cards made. I think it should be spelled with a capital R for proper reverence and effect. After all, there can be that many of us, right? I was never comfortable with the whole “soccer mom” stereotype label. OMG-the other mom’s are going to be so freaking jealous when they hear about this! Top that bitches!
I am disappointed that he didn’t answer any of my questions and that you have to scroll through almost all of the other letters to get to mine. Do you think I should write him again with a little reminder that I’m still awaiting his reply? You know us rapeutationists, if nothing else, we are a determined group! Of course, I can only speak for myself, I wouldn’t want to overstep my bounds or misrepresent myself as a “rapeutationist.” You know, if you say it slowly, it almost sounds kind of sexy in a weird, twisted way. You gotta give him credit, the guy has a way with words!
So thanks for the heads-up!
Shannon (yep-it’s my real name)
First of all, thank you again for letting me know about this. Mr. Carreon has not made any direct contact with me even though he has my full name, city of residence and a valid email address. I have lived in the same home for 18 years, so my street address and home phone number would be easy to locate either online or in the local phone book.
Those of us here in Seattle are proud of the neighborhood we call “Funky” Fremont, also known as “The Center of the Known Universe.” The residents like to claim they started the bumper sticker revolution that asked for “Whirrled Peas” rather than world peace. They host a naked bicycle parade every year on the summer solstice that is a sight to behold. They even have a life-size troll carved under the I-5 Freeway bridge at the Fremont Exit. Matthew Inman and The Oatmeal are an important piece of the Fremont family.
I can copy any design or project but I didn’t inherit the gene to create new and magical things and I am in awe of those that can. Mr. Inman has the ability to make people laugh in a world where there is sometimes very little to laugh at. My life isn’t an easy one, I won’t bore you with the details, but I need every laugh, smile, or guffaw I can get. When FunnyJunk stole original ideas from Mr. Inman. He went through the proper channels asking them to stop. As a result, he has ended up in a big fat pile of crazy.
I was not, as Mr. Carreon claims, “marshaled into an army” nor did I try to ”besiege (my) website and send (me) a string of obscene emails.” I wouldn’t have a clue how to “besiege” any one or any thing. I have no idea what a “denial of service” attack is either. I’m just a gal from Seattle lending support to neighbor. I wrote one polite, slightly tongue-in-cheek letter asking the attorney representing Funnyjunk to explain what had happened and what was going to happen. (I also asked him his personal views of television programs such as LA Law and Mad Men, but that is neither here nor there.) My letter contained no obscenities. The idea that he is accusing me of a form of rape makes my stomach turn. His mocking of such a serious crime against humanity is vile and I believe shows his true colors.
Print this and my first letter to you if you wish. Like I have said before, I’m a big girl and can spot a bully a mile away. I speak only the truth and live my life with no regrets. Bring it on Mr. Carreon. You have been warned.
Shannon Radoll (this is my real name)
Posted by Satirical Charles on July 18, 2012
Dear Mr. Carreon,
My name is Richard Walls, one of the many people whose emails you published in public recently on your site. In my previous electronic letter I assumed and gave you the benefit of the doubt having faith that you would be a sensible and appreciable man who could take my honest criticism and do some good with it. I wrote to you with a sincerely positive intention and am shocked to find that my email has found its way into your ‘hatemail’ display. You are attempting, very blatantly, to draw attention to individuals who have criticized you in a negative way which is a far more obvious attempt at defamation of character than that which has been directed at yourself. This ‘wall of shame’ is unacceptably childish for an adult, much less a legal professional, and I would advise you to remove it for the sake of what remains of your reputation in the world. I was not a part of any organized attempts to harm your character, I had no interest in bringing you down, only in helping you better understand and emerge from your situation with as little harm as possible. I am not a zombie, I am not a defamer, and I am not a man who will tolerate this ridiculous attempt at internet bullying. Your publishing of my name and email address mean only enough to catch my attention, not enough to harm or cause me any personal distress, though the concept behind this sickens me. Mr. Carreon I had hoped you would be a better man than people portrayed you but you continue to exceed the stated expectations.
Attached to this you should find a photo of myself because I am not afraid to have my opinions and my words acknowledged and attributed to me so please, go ahead. You’ve got a photo to work with so I’m sure you can give me a section in your ‘rapeutationists’ page. I’ll even write the jokes for you, ‘this dirty fecal-frumper is going to have to come out of the bathroom closet someday. Its only a matter of time afterall, everyone who disagrees with me is just a sexy turd away from ending up like this fag.’ See? I put together your two favorite things, bad poop and bad gay jokes. If you don’t like that heres a handful of things I’ve accomplished you can make fun of and demonize: Debate team, practicing poet/artist, Atheist, library volunteer work with children and young adults, volunteer shelter work, Portuguese, Eagle Scout, Under 6′ tall, roleplayer, etc. I have no fear of you or your attempts to demonize myself or any other persons seeking to honestly and critically offer their thoughts to you. You, however, seem to be terrified of it. Your blog refuses comments, your posted emails have yours omitted, and you’ve made many efforts to make it difficult for you to be reached and responded to in any form. This is ineffective and frankly, disgraceful. There is one very important thing to note though, I will not come down to your level and spout out juvenile comments unintended for humor. I admittedly made light of your situation in the concluding paragraph of my email, hoping the humor might brighten your day, but I never wrote with a malicious intent towards anyone as you have and do.
I am not a hater, I am not a detractor, I am not a zombie, I am not a rapeutationist, I am not part of any organized attack. I am a concerned individual who has taken time out of their busy day to address you in the hopes that you’ll retain some rationality and come to the conclusion that your downwards spiral will get you nowhere except deeper in the pile of shit…yes, I made a poop joke, you’re not the only one who can chuckle at brown stuff.
Posted by Satirical Charles on July 18, 2012