Litigation Playwriting

TinyGrab Screen Shot 3-21-13 11.03.04 PM

The “Lawyer” shall now explain why I chose the titles I used in my response to the “Gripesite Operator” motion for attorney fees. I wrote my motion as a play, a theatrical work, in order of course to impress Judge Seeborg with my creative flair. See, I always wanted to be a writer. Hence my many highly regarded ebooks available online. I am a man of passionate creativity and a romanticist; I cannot help that my legalese came out as poetic prose really.

A few questions asked of me:

Q – Why use “Gripesite Operator” which is 18 characters long rather than Plaintiff which is half as long at 9 characters in length?

A – It’s a blatant attempt to bias readers against the evil Illuminati Libertarian Popehat pawn.

Q – Why use the title the “Lawyer” rather than your last name when multiple lawyers are envolved in the litigation? Isn’t it confusing?

A – I am the only real lawyer envolved in the litigation. I also refuse to acknowledge one of the Gripesite Operator’s counsels.

Q – Isn’t it “Gripe site” not “Gripesite?”

A – Your correction of my misspelling is infringing upon my First Amendment rights, as such I shall exercise my First Amendment right to vexatiously threaten you with lawsuits.

Now that I have answered your pathetically dull questions, I must go and buy myself some more glue. Throwing theories at a judge hoping that one will stick requires a ton of Elmer’s. Don’t tell anyone, but I think someone in the house has been eating a bunch as well…

Practically Shakespeare,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Does Anyone Have An Airplane?

 

It’s been weeks since we left our house. The conditions have become squalid and unbearable. I haven’t had a latte in forever and feel like the world is coming to an end. Why won’t these Illuminati leave me be? Every door knock, telephone ring, and stranger on the street could be an agent of my nemesis, the Oatmeal. We are running low on supplies, we’ve been subsisting off of saltine crackers and ketchup for 3 days now, and I am tired of using supermarket ads for toilet paper. Our television broke a week ago too, so I’ve been flipping through my only entertainment, a binder full of women.

Please if any Dinosaur sympathizers are out there with an airplane, please airdrop us supplies! With your help my dinocloning device made out of mucus and uncooked macaroni can continue being built. Together with your airplane, toilet paper, food, and my brains, we’d be unstoppable! Together we can stop all these people with silly names, like oatmeal, popehat, and Barack Obama.

Help!

Charles Carreon Esq.

This is how I thug.

This is how I thug(full text). Once my detractors don’t waffle after being threatened with six figure sums, and they show the annoying tenacity to continue to mock me and bring out unethical behaviors of my past, I like to go after their employment. One of the best douchebag moves, the most censoriously brilliant play, is to try and get your critics fired. It’s right up there with going after their uninvolved family members and photoshopping dicks on their faces. Everyone uses their work computer for personal tasks, just like me. Hence it’s really easy to get people fired that way.

Even if they don’t back down after being fired, hopefully they’ll go broke and lose the ability to pay for their internet or their defense. Either way I win. If they aren’t fired they still know that if they continue criticizing me, I’ll try to hurt them in any way possible, which also chills their speech. It’s all a direct ladder of thuggery:

  1. Be thuggish douchebag censor on the internet.
  2. Anonymous people criticize you on websites.
  3. Threaten anonymous person with big cash judgements.
  4. Threaten anonymous person’s webhost for their identity.
  5. Use their identity to try to shame them.
  6. Use their identity to find out their employer and harass them.

Brilliant yes?

Super Thug,

Charles Carreon Esq.

The People Rise Up!

We live in one of the poorest neighborhoods in Tucson out of solidarity to our poor brothers and sisters (we bought our house for $170,000), and we own one Prius. We’re not by any means rich. We get by month to month like the rest of you. We hardly ever go out to eat, because it’s a waste of money. The only thing we ever buy is books and movies. We don’t go on vacations. Our biggest monthly bill is our water bill, because we do splurge on watering our little forest. The first thing we did was have a backhoe come out and dig about 25 huge holes in our yard, and plant trees.

We are common man, people’s people, dirt under our finger nails, working in the sun type of people. I mean, well… we hate the sun, hence the trees. You have to have trees, lots of trees, because they stop you from getting sun burned! Just what every average poor American does. Buy a house, hire someone to dig 25 huge holes, drive a Prius around.

Everyone knows that to show solidarity with the unwashed masses, you buy a house that people who make minimum wage can’t afford. When most poor people are forced to throw away what little money they have on rent, it really shows them what a people’s person I am to move into their neighborhood and own my house. It’s like setting a good example for them. I like to go around saying “Hi, I know you work a menial job for less than optimal wages, but look you can own your own home too. Just become a lawyer like me. Super easy.”

Everyone knows poor people need to save money. That’s why I drive a Prius. You know how much I save on gas? If only more poor people bought Priuses instead of used cars that got horrible gas mileage, they’d be rich! So stop spending a couple thousand dollars on cheap old cars and invest in your future. Anyone can make car payments of $500 a month. Get some common sense poor people.

I am a man of the people, a successful lawyer, with many clients, who just wants to show the unwashed masses how to live a good life. Is that so wrong? Soon I will buy an island so the poor people and I can live in peace and do genetic experiments to create dinosaurs.

Role Model,

Charles Carreon Esq.

The conspiracy continues.

I have started mapping this evil time traveling plot against me and the decency I stand for. It goes back centuries and time itself has been unraveled to attack me. It all started after the drafting of the United States Constitution. Did you know there were no guarantees of free speech in it? No these rights were amended through the Bill of Rights created in 1789 and ratified in 1791. The Constitution was created in 1787!

Do you see what I see? The Oatmeal sent his legions back in time to intimidate and coerce the leaders of our young republic to include the Bill of Rights! Why? So they could attack me! So they could say whatever they thought about me, and generally be mean stinky pants. This OTTC is wide ranging and at the root of every “freedom” that has been used to deprive me of my rightful due. They are changing our very history so they can bring me battle on multiple fronts!

This is like when they successfully convinced people the Earth revolved around the Sun. If the Earth moves around the Sun why does the Sun move in the sky? You can’t answer that, because it’s false. If the Sun was the center of the galaxy it wouldn’t move! Next they’re going to tell me the Moon changes in the sky because the Earth revolves around that too. Madness. I can’t begin to even understand how these Illuminati have infiltrated every aspect of the scientific community, but the proof is there. If I see it happen with my own eyes, I know it’s true.

Martyr,

Charles Carreon Esq.

I am not a hypocrite.

See this is how I know Christopher had to use his work computer to blog about me, because I used my work laptop for personal reasons and everyone does what I do. Not only did I use my work laptop for personal emailing, I took it, didn’t want to give it back, and allowed other persons to use it. So the proof is pretty solid. The only way anyone can do anything is to use their work computer duh. It’s just good logic. It’s the scientific process, you start with a conclusion based on your own past experiences, and you say anything to convince anyone it’s true. Just like “water evaporating,” I mean who comes up with that stuff. Water is a liquid, not a gas. Everyone knows that. That’d be like saying water could become a solid. Crazy talk.

The real reason I couldn’t return the laptop and tried to haggle for it, is because I had semi-working schematics of a dinosaur cloning device. You don’t just give Canadians the ability to clone dinosaurs, that’d be treason or something. Unfortunately we could not get the cloning device to work because when I scanned the crayon drawings, the wax melted some and we lost a few computations. It was a disappointing time in my life. I had the amber locked mosquito and everything, which I later ate when I had the munchies one late night…

Scientist,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Wikipedia is Mafia

So I went to great lengths to create a wikipedia article that read like a resumé. I used the LLC of a porn actress that I registered a trademark for. See who edited my first wikipedia page and her wikipedia page? Want proof? Here you go. So I develop this devious plan to make us look like Gods of the Internets and then wikipedia bans our account? Mafia conspirators. They probably are part of the Oatmeal Time Travel Conspiracy, or OTTC as I like to call it.

This is preposterous. I made my own wikipedia page to look good on the internet. Then these wikipedia people take part in rapeutation. Don’t they understand that free speech is only speech that makes me look good? How is a White Hat Internet Lawyer supposed to look good without creating his own wikipedia page? I mean other than taking more than one notable case ever, a case I kind of got kicked off of… This is blatant DIRA. I bet wikipedia took part in the DOS attacks on my site too. Those evil bastards. I wonder who’s in charge of wikipedia? How do you find out that sort of information? Maybe I’ll sue them to find out and gain dinosaur cloning technology.

Super Honest,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Did I ever tell you about the time…

I tried to sue the Oregon Bar? It almost happened. Then some Nazi conspirator decided she’d go and shoot me down. Telling me that I am misinterpreting the facts and not knowing my legal apple from the my legal orange. One is orange and one is red, well sometimes pink, or green, or yellow, or… oh never mind.

I bet she’s a friend of Matthew Inman too. It’s all part of an Oatmeal conspiracy that goes even into the past! That’s right Paul Levy, Matthew Inman, Adam Steinbaugh, Nicholas Weaver, Will Ross and Christopher must have figured a way to go into the pass and commit rapeutation! Those evil Illuminati bastards. How the hell did they develop time travel before I was able to clone dinosaurs? Now they can go back in time and retrieve actual dinosaurs… oh my god… the Illuminati could go back in time and stop me from being born! THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE MYSELF IS TO WRAP MY WHOLE BODY IN TIN FOIL!! My god. They all must be sued. Along with the above mention persons, I will sue Does 1-1000, Ann Bransom (who has never produced dinosaurs for me), ArsTechnica, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Billy Crystal, Anderson Cooper, and Queen Latifah. This is no longer a fight for the present or the future, but for history itself!

Not Selfish,

Charles Carreon Esq.

prosecution correspondence-p0001 – p0087 <– The full file.

Rapeutation

Rapeutation: 1. noun, what an individual subjected to a DIRA ends up with, in place of a reputation, e.g., “We know him by rapeutation;” “Your rapeutation precedes you.” 2. the act of starting or carrying on a DIRA “The rapeutation starts at 14:00 sharp.”

Rapeutationist: 1. noun, one who initiates, conducts, or participates in a rapeutation.

So I have been getting some feedback about my new term “rapeutation” and I’ll admit maybe I should have gone with a better term. However, I’m a rapeutation survivor and I need to speak about it! I won’t just go around with the shame any more. I had to name it.  I guess likening people on the internet making fun of me to rape might have been a bit off. However I really feel that the mean words said about me are exactly the same as being forcefully penetrated by another human being. It’s totally the same. So stop your whining. You rape victims don’t know how I feel! In fact if you keep emailing me about this new term, I will sue you for Tyrannosaurus Rexes. I am sick of everything I do on the internet exploding in my face.

Rapeutation Survivor,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Donna Barstow interview.

Reader’s I decided to do something different today and bring you a little Q&A I had with a prospective client, Donna Barstow. She doesn’t know I’m posting this, but I slept through ethics class in law school, so it should fall under plausible deniability right? Right.

Me:  So why did you want to hire me?

Donna:  These guys at Something Awful are terrible people and need to be taught a lesson. They’ve called me racist and other defamatory terms.

Me:  What defamation have you faced?

Donna:  Well they said my cartoons are poorly drawn, not funny, and they called me old.

Me:  That’s reprehensible.

Donna:  Exactly! And they wrote down obscene words like the f word.

Me:  Isn’t that a crime?

Donna:  That’s exactly what I told this guy pretending to be a law school graduate on twitter. You can’t just go around typing fuck, shit, racist cartoonist, etc. Those words are illegal.

Me:  It seems anyone can pretend to be a lawyer nowadays. 

Donna:  So I was wondering Mr. Carreon, what can I do about this?

Me:  First we will send this Something Awful place a quite awful cease and desist letter demanding $100,000 for reputational harm and lost business. We will also ask for 1 live Tyrannosaurus Rex for attorney fees.

Donna:  What if they only have money and no dinosaurs?

Me:  Then I will sue them.

Donna:  What if I don’t want you to sue them, just want the money?

Me:  You can have your money, I’ll sue them personally for trademark infringement when they undoubtedly use my name to describe our demands to the public.

Donna:  Uh…

Me:  Oh and we’ll draw dicks on all the employees of Something Awful, you are a cartoonist right?

Donna:  I’m not sure if I am okay with that.

Me:   Oh never mind, Tara can do that.

Donna:  I need to go now…

Me:  Okay see you soon!

I think that went well.

Charles Carreon Esq.

[The real Donna Barstow refused to respond to me :( ]

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