Matthew Inman has raised 1 million dollars.

I now sit here, pondering if dinosaurs sleep standing up and if they dream, and how to best pillage the money Mr. Inman has raised for my dinocloning laboratory. I would also need a good gag order from a court so that Oatmeal guy wouldn’t go blabbing to the internet about how I was try to steal from his “charity.” His internet gang are a ferocious horde or free speakers who will not be silenced no matter how much I threaten them with T-Rex destruction, I hate them, so I must silence their master before he calls upon them. It’s like what they did with my book on Amazon.com. Even my Tara can see the truth.

 For example, Matt Inman’s people made thousands of bad reviews about Charles’ book, “The Sex.Com Chronicles,” on Amazon. Obviously, a thousand people didn’t read the book,

See, all those fake reviews. She says it plainly, obviously a thousand people didn’t read my book… wait… what?! What does she mean obviously a thousand people didn’t read my book? It was a good book! People read it… I mean… I even gave it away for free… so someone had to read it right? This is quite troubling… what does it mean when thousands of people read a crude artist like Inman but not a single person will read my free book? It must be a conspiracy, it just must be.

Saddened,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Guest Post II (Reposted)

ALL OF YOU LITTLE MONSTERS ARE WORSE THAN RUPERT MURDOCK. (And don’t
say I got that from Lady Gaga. I was Lady Gaga before Madonna was Lady
Gaga. She stole that from me.) If Ralph Nader was here, he’d punch
your lights out, and then put you in jail forever.

@VIAANGUS I Know you’re out there, Viaangus. That’s a centurion name
if I ever heard one, and the Illuminati is from Rome. HUH, CURIOUS.

@Ken You’re not even an Asian child, and that probably makes you a
rapist, most likely. Clearly that is a picture of a child you abducted
in order to train into another Illuminati member by making him read Al
Capp cartoons. You work in a Law Firm that represents people in legal
difficulties (AKA CRIMINALS AND OR HATE-CRIMERS.) Also, I don’t find
you to my sexual liking, and that’s presumably important to the
argument for some reason. But your pole will not come near this hole.
Just know that you could have had me, and you ruined it.

@MarcRenandStimpyDazza You suggested Charles should hit me and sell my
body, and worse you stopped sending us a Christmas Card. We white out
all our Christmas Cards and then resell them in packs on E-Bay. Now we
only have a pack of 11, and who’s going to want that? In conclusion,
you’re a misogynist and probably work for the Disney Company.

@Matthew Inman You think you’re just so clever and handsome, don’t
you? So deliciously, naughtily adorable, with your Dennis from It’s
Always Sunny in Philadelphia face and your little pile of money that
could buy so many domain names… Just alpha-maleing around the Internet
with so many friends and making so much money… Just using that tight
little bottom to seduce all the girls into following you to Budhist
hell… so decadent… like the forbidden fruit of the Internet just
waiting for an older woman to teach you the ways of love… What was I
writing about now?

In conclusion you are all guilty of crimes against the people’s
library, and I sentence you all to $500 pain and suffering. Please
remit directly to Charles’ email address, because Kickstarter refuses
to host “Fund my life” projects no matter how many times I try to tell
them that my forum is a digital library.

Yours in Christ,
Satirical Tara Carreon

Guest Blog!

http://rapeutation.com/2012/07/28/charity-fraud/

Sometimes I hate Wikipedia, but sometimes it’s my go to source for information! You might think that’s weird but it’s not, it’s like the way David Winn Miller uses the courts for evil, instead of the way Charles uses them (for money justice.) Want to know more about David Winn Miller? Go to Wikipedia!

Except don’t go for the article about my husband, or my library’s legal troubles. Wikipedia is not a legitimate source, and it run by the Illuminati Nihilists at the Facebooks, probably. ZUCKERBERG, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO HIDE!?

For example look at the article for Ken’s hate-blog Popehat.com (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Popehat). As you can see, it doesn’t have ANYTHING AT ALL about him trying to destroy us. It doesn’t even talk about his lawyering.

So yeah, Wikipedia is pretty much a nonsource (Nonsense?) and you never really want to refer to it, except when you do because it IS the encyclopedia of the people and not the lame stream media. And if you’re not sure if a source is good or not, ask a librarian!

Consistently,

Satirical Tara Carreon

I am an expert because I say so.

Just because Stevie boy didn’t consider himself an internet expert after 6 years of working with DMCA complaints and internet copyright didn’t mean I couldn’t call myself an expert after 1 year. He’s just less ambitious than I. It all falls back to my basic, unwavering, point. I am right, you are wrong. I can practice law without a license in Canada because I am right. You can’t give me advice while I’m in Canada because then you’re practicing law through me. See. Makes perfect sense. I just thought I’d bring this up now because people have been talking about my unjust suspension from the Oregon and California bars and because I wanted everyone to see how big a jerk Stevie is. Also I never let anything go. Never. If you have ever wronged me, you better have dinosaurs ready to send my way because I will sue anyone, anywhere, anytime and I’ll try to run up the bill as well. So if you’re reading this Stevie, I’m coming for you unless:

  1. You send a picture of me smiling to Ralph Nader.
  2. You hand over all dinosaurs under your control.
  3. You send a picture of yourself for Tara’s art.
  4. You point all domains you own to this blog.

I hope this settles everything for anyone. To the commenters on this blog, don’t think I forgot about you. Stop your vicious hacking attempts or else.

Legally Confused,

Charles Carreon Esq.

[Update:  As requested the entire file Initial Complaint]

How many times do I have to win?

Jumping Buddha on a fence post, how many times do I have to beat Matthew Inman before he gets it in his head that all I do is win, win, win. I mean this guys stoops to taking a picture with his own money? Yeah right buddy, not charity money, anyone can whip up $211k of their own cash and take a picture… well… I mean… god damn it, that’s besides the point. IT WASN’T THE CHARITY MONEY BUDDY! You lose. I win. Always. Forever. Tomorrow. Today. Yesterday. Even when the Nazis dance on my grave, I’ve won. You didn’t. I stopped you from taking a picture with the real money. You know what else? This is what I think about your so called pictures you Pterodactyl Maniac:

 

Hah! Revel in my ball hairs Matthew Inman. Revel. In. Them. You may have rapeutated me, but my quasi dick is about to smash you in that smug face of yours! Take that you Illuminati CIA scum!

Winner,

Charles Carreon Esq.

P.S. Do you think this letter will

make me look strong to Tara? I

don’t want here to make fun of

me any more…

Bang?

Did you think I wanted to become a deity? OMG, that is SO male! Spare me the maleness of this world. I’d get rid of you ALL if I could. I wouldn’t leave a one of you. I told that to Charles the other night, and he got a hurt look on his face. He said, “You wouldn’t even save the best man of all?” I said, “No fucking way. You’re still a man.” I said it with a lot of force so that that would be the end of it. But no, he’s got to shout me down. He’s always got a sneaky, smart-stupid comeback. He lives on the strategists. He says, “Well, there are no girls who are any better.” Fucker, he won the argument this time. But he can’t even begin to compare to my win rate. I’ve been winning my whole life. He’s been winning to, but between the two of us, I have the upper hand. He had the upper hand during the first 30 years of our marriage. But I’m going to make sure we go out with a BANG! 

Yeah best night ever. First I come home from a hard day of dinolitigation(R) and then my wife of 38 years says to me “I wish all men including you were dead.” Great. That’s how you really want to walk in the front door of your home after a long day. “Hey hun how was your day? Not that I care, wish you were dead, ok?” I mean why not just kick me in the nuts and spit in my eye while you at it. So I told her she was the best ever and I wanted nothing but her. Then she goes and turns that around on me, suddenly I am Emanuel Lasker. So yeah, I slept on the couch and that was that.

I wake up today thinking it’s all blown over and start looking at her website naderlibrary, which I try to avoid because, wow that’s some batshit crazy stuff right? Anyways, then I see this bullshit. Like what the hell? First she’s all bad mouthing me to the Illuminati who read her site, then she goes and says “I’m going to make sure we go out with a BANG!” Holy shit. Great. Just great. First I have the CIA, Mafia, NSA, FBI, ATF, NATO, Illuminati, and Nazis out to get me, and now my own wife is either going to BANG shoot me in the head or BANG fill our house up with gas in my sleep and light a match? Is it too much to ask for one decent night of sleep, a medicated wife, and a gosh darn Tyrannosaurus Rex? I don’t think so…

Hiding,

Charles Carreon Esq.

Oh no, she bought more ammo…

The bad characters have been all over us for a long time now, ever since I shot my gun to warn off a trespassing CIA-Buddhist neighbor from an illustrious CIA family — father general counsel for the CIA, mother secretary of the OSS under Truman, entire family in the CIA — who was really pissing me off by messing with our gate

I told her only grown ups can use the firearms, she never listens. Now she’s shooting at strangers in the night, and people out there are sending me pizzas and Mormons? DO YOU WANT TO GET SOMEONE KILLED?! This is bad. Next thing you know the ATF is going to be circling our house ready with the tear gas. These Illuminati just can’t leave us alone can they? All a man wants is a Tyrannosaurus Rex and these things keeps happening to me!

Oh crap, she’s on the home shopping network and they’re selling rifles, I got to go. If I don’t post again, think kindly of me.

Charles Carreon Esq.

Donna Barstow interview.

Reader’s I decided to do something different today and bring you a little Q&A I had with a prospective client, Donna Barstow. She doesn’t know I’m posting this, but I slept through ethics class in law school, so it should fall under plausible deniability right? Right.

Me:  So why did you want to hire me?

Donna:  These guys at Something Awful are terrible people and need to be taught a lesson. They’ve called me racist and other defamatory terms.

Me:  What defamation have you faced?

Donna:  Well they said my cartoons are poorly drawn, not funny, and they called me old.

Me:  That’s reprehensible.

Donna:  Exactly! And they wrote down obscene words like the f word.

Me:  Isn’t that a crime?

Donna:  That’s exactly what I told this guy pretending to be a law school graduate on twitter. You can’t just go around typing fuck, shit, racist cartoonist, etc. Those words are illegal.

Me:  It seems anyone can pretend to be a lawyer nowadays. 

Donna:  So I was wondering Mr. Carreon, what can I do about this?

Me:  First we will send this Something Awful place a quite awful cease and desist letter demanding $100,000 for reputational harm and lost business. We will also ask for 1 live Tyrannosaurus Rex for attorney fees.

Donna:  What if they only have money and no dinosaurs?

Me:  Then I will sue them.

Donna:  What if I don’t want you to sue them, just want the money?

Me:  You can have your money, I’ll sue them personally for trademark infringement when they undoubtedly use my name to describe our demands to the public.

Donna:  Uh…

Me:  Oh and we’ll draw dicks on all the employees of Something Awful, you are a cartoonist right?

Donna:  I’m not sure if I am okay with that.

Me:   Oh never mind, Tara can do that.

Donna:  I need to go now…

Me:  Okay see you soon!

I think that went well.

Charles Carreon Esq.

[The real Donna Barstow refused to respond to me :( ]

I write this from an undisclosed location.

I want to have it known that I am not against the First Amendment. I love the freedom of speech. I just don’t love it when people exercise their freedom in a way that makes me look dumb. There needs to be limits, limits I say. You can’t just go around telling me you won’t take down any posts that make my client look stupid, and then humiliate me in the process. What was I supposed to do?

“I know I said there’d be money… um… well here’s a -picture- of money anyway… oh and a drawing of your mom trying to seduce a bear… What do you think of my job performance?”

You might not be a lawyer but imagine trying to tell a client, customer, boss, etc. that shit. That’s not something you can put on your resumé. How am I supposed to take that sentence above, go to Funny Junk and ask for a Tyrannosaurus Rex? I’m pretty sure those sort of results are what get’s you making these for a living at my age. Bad as that seems, it’s nothing compare to the truth.

Apparently this was all some Illuminati plot to discredit me. I am not sure if Funny Junk was involved in it, but Matthew Inman the clone of Bobby Ray Inman is definitely Illuminati. The Pope Hat Haters are all members of this shadowy organization trying to silence me from spreading the truth about their fascist plot to control our destiny. This is true proof that myself and Tara may be the only people left on Earth who are not being controlled by the Weeping Angels. If you need further proof look at this secret code instructing all Illuminati to converge and lay into work Project Clean Mind, aka brainwashing!

Adam Steinbaugh  •  Jun 30, 2012 @9:46 pm

.– …. .- – / -.. — / -.– — ..- / — . .- -. / -.– — ..- / .–. . — .–. .-.. .

Now knowing this all as we do, I have moved to a secret bunker and will be surviving off of Vienna Sausages and Tang. I do not take this action lightly, but I can trust no one. For the sake of humanity we must go underground and rise again when the NWO has forgotten about us. I just wish I had secured a Tyrannosaurus Rex for the coming battles.

In Secrecy,

Charles Carreon Esq. Defender of Humanity

It’s all in the apostrophe.

So Tara figured it out. It’s all in Inman’s grammar. His apostrophes are secret codes to incite rebellion and empower the Illuminati. His fixation with the English language betrays his knowledge of the “truth” language that can subvert the government and stop your taxation. These apostrophes here and there, not here nor there, they are a code. If we can break this code we could never pay a bill again. I hate paying bills, and when I fall late on them, I sue. See people don’t realize that about me sometimes.  My therapist explained it to me well one day. This is how I work:

  1. Get idea.
  2. Take brash action.
  3. Fail.
  4. Blame others.
  5. Sue.

It’s a simple blueprint that I repeat over and over, and it feels like I can’t stop. Like the time I built a house without a permit to use the land. Then when I got cited and eventually had to demolish the structure, I…. SUED. However unfortunately I lost that case because Oregon colluded to keep a Tyrannosaurus Rex away from me. They even had the gall to say that were no live dinosaurs in Oregon… typical CIA answers. You know what they say… Haters going to hate, Slater’s going to slate, and I’m going to slate.

Judging Your Grammar Nazism,

Charles Carreon Esq.

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