So another day goes by and I sit here sipping my Starbucks. Then I am rudely notified by Tara (who was dressed up as Carl Jung) ash she came rambling into my inner sanctum of the Carreon cave. What does she have for me? THIS! Serenity of self love shattered. Shattered I say. Some things you accept gracefully, but I am not, and I will never be, a jelly bean accountant. What sort of job is that anyways? Who counts jelly beans all day other then Tara occasionally?
I thought I made it clear before, that I am an Internet Lawyer. I only help the good and good looking, of which I am both, hence I represent myself. I repeat I do not count jelly beans. Even the mention of it is slanderous and opprobrious. I now am quite sure that this lady owes me two Tyrannosaur Rexes, a Stegosaurus, a Platypus, and her domain name. If she does not surrender said dinosaurs and immediately point her domain at this blog, I will take action in the following ways:
File a grievance with the United Nations.
Sue the Children’s Hospital of Seattle.
Rename today Branson owes me dinosaurs day on my personal calendar.
Give interview to anyone who will listen on how your blog is improperly setup under California Law.
Place a peace order on you so that you may not speak my name.
So how funny do you feel now? Thought so.
You see that cretins? You are legally bound. Bound I say. Bound to not defame my (hopefully soon to be) clients Amy and Samy of Amy’s Baking Company. You are nobodies, even if you were once somebody, you are not any more. Like the hammer of Thor dropping down on some ice giant, Amy’s Baking Company is going to come down on you feeble internet hooligans.
You’re so dumb, for real. You left your facebook names all over their page. We are going to find you, so even if you hide your kids and hide your wife, we’ll find you. You will be liable for breach of contract which won’t be dissolvable by bankruptcy or even an act of God.
I’ve warned the internet so many times. You can’t just go around bad mouthing legitimate businesses and expect white-hat lawyers to sit idly by. For now the wrath of Carreon is upon all of you facebook users, yelpers, and especially the vile stench filled puss sack, reddit.
Fresh of the victorious filing of my notice to appeal the Illuminati financed blogger and his nazi conspirators, I am refreshed and will bring down great vexatious legal torment upon the detractors of Amy and Samy. You are done ruining everything like our facebook page and ice cream sundaes. I bet you’re infuriating constant internet commenting is contributing to global warming too.
You just can’t. This is especially true of leather shields, wood shields, and shields made of non-corporeal things like the First Amendment. To turn a First Amendment shield into a Lanham Act sword you would need a 17 sided die, 3 cloves of garlic, the great rune of Dinosaur, purified animus and 3 gallons of swine blood. No mere federal judge can anoint some gripe site owner a sword so powerful that any trademark holder must cower in their worthlessness!
These pesky Illuminatus have pissed in my well once too many times! I am sick and tired of being pushed around and made to drink water that taste oddly tart. While we are talking about the Illuminati, have I ever told you about their lawyer hating brethern? Libertarians. The first time I met a Libertarian, I thought they said “librarian” and asked about the Dewey Decimal System, needless to say that Libertarian wasn’t very fond of this lawyer! Libertarians have no sense of humor either.
Back to the whole sword thing, you just don’t tell trademark owners that they can’t make vexatious and baseless legal threats without any real punishment. Such attitudes are an affront to the entire American legal system. If people like this gripe site owner are let loose on the world, no trademark will be worth spit because they’ll just run around preemptively suing Disney and Taco Bell! “Whoa dude I hate Taco Bell, man now I have to sue them to protect my rights and stuff, cause like I said I hated them or something!” (Note my unwashed masses speak is a bit rusty) People will be able to go around and not fear the righteous anger of the trademark holders, people will speak freely about trademark holders, and this will deprive trademark holders and vexatious lawyers from exercising their own First Amendment rights!
This is the downfall of America people, when your daughter comes home impregnated by some hipster with a lip piercing and your dog runs away, remember this very moment. When Disney has to cancel the next Little Mermaid on ice performance because it has to pay some lump because that lump sued them for no reason, remember this moment. For if I lay banished by some Lanham Act sword, so may your favorite animated movie studio or taco dispensary.