This is how I thug(full text). Once my detractors don’t waffle after being threatened with six figure sums, and they show the annoying tenacity to continue to mock me and bring out unethical behaviors of my past, I like to go after their employment. One of the best douchebag moves, the most censoriously brilliant play, is to try and get your critics fired. It’s right up there with going after their uninvolved family members and photoshopping dicks on their faces. Everyone uses their work computer for personal tasks, just like me. Hence it’s really easy to get people fired that way.

Even if they don’t back down after being fired, hopefully they’ll go broke and lose the ability to pay for their internet or their defense. Either way I win. If they aren’t fired they still know that if they continue criticizing me, I’ll try to hurt them in any way possible, which also chills their speech. It’s all a direct ladder of thuggery:

Be thuggish douchebag censor on the internet.
Anonymous people criticize you on websites.
Threaten anonymous person with big cash judgements.
Threaten anonymous person’s webhost for their identity.
Use their identity to try to shame them.
Use their identity to find out their employer and harass them.

Look at this. Just look at it. Blah blah blah, I’m a nice Tennessee lawyer. What the hell are these people doing? Not only do they not threaten this person’s ability to speak freely about their brand, but they even offer him money? YOU DEMAND MONEY! This is what gives us lawyers a bad name, people trying to deceive the public into thinking we should be nice and polite. I don’t care if they got the intended result. We are lawyers, warriors of the legalese, knights of financial destruction, bearers of the bar, etc. These guys came out looking like Colonel Sanders (another cloned fast food Illuminati pawn). You never go full Colonel Sanders.

What sort of lawyering is that? How are you supposed to finance a dinosaur army with good wishes and polite word craft? I am going to write Jack Daniel’s today and demand they drop their incompetent counsel in trade for my services. Not only will I not throw their money away at any would be author turned copyright infringer, but I’ll procure the finest dinosaur DNA for a joint cloning venture. Look at the picture above, my experiments with Tyrannosaurus DNA and kitten DNA is really paying off. We are just a few steps away from crushing these First Amendment advocates. With my newly preposed tort and the dinosaur clones, we’ll rule the internet and the world. Below is how I will respond in the future to trademark infringement if I become Jack Daniel’s lead counsel:

Demand at least but not limited to $100,000
Threaten to sue in any of 30 jurisdictions in order to scare the target into compliance.
Demand they hand over all copies of the infringement for destruction and any domain names they control.
Inform them that I can litigate for essentially forever, especially once I clone myself therefor ensuring my immortality.
That once I crush the Illuminati, I will use their time travel devices to erase the infringer from existence.
That I can and will name them horrible things like “rapeutationist” and draw genitals on their faces.
Demand attorney fees in the form of dinosaurs.
Ask that they forward my demand letter to Ralph Nader.

I am back in my undisclosed mud cave impenetrable underground lair. The Illuminati are every where now and I’ve had to go black from the last several hours. Only now as Tara pedals our old exercise bike for our generator can I boot up the old Tandy 1000. It’s been a hectic 24 hours and I am unconvinced that the CIA doesn’t know what I am up to. We have began to build our dinosaur cloning device. I am short some materials so I will list them below, encase you can help supply them. Items crossed out are already ready to go.

15 empty peanut butter jars, preferably Skippy brand.
3000 yards of aluminum foil.
3 sporks.
500 yards of duct tape.
1 modern PC.
3000 yards of unwaxed floss.
3 pounds of weapons grade plutonium.
3 sticks of Juicy Fruit.
100 yards cat5 cabling.
2 centrifuges.
A microwave oven.
9 panels of sheet metal.
13 hamsters.
M&Ms.
10′ of PVC piping, 2″ diameter.
Frog blood.
1 copy of Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton
Soon with your help we will raise a mighty Tyrannosaur Army to silence our critics and enslave those who would hack into my blog to post comments! I will suppress all bloggers including that Little Lying Bitch. My mighty reptilian legions will devour all detractors including Paul Levy, Cathy Gellis, Kenneth White, Marc Randazza and Martha Stewart (because we all know you can’t bake cookies that good without a heaping scoop of evil). Once they have fallen, my army will march upon the Halls of the Oatmeal and deal him a defeat that no Pterodactyl will be able to save him from. Anyone who says different is a quack. The only people who disagree with my mighty quest are Illuminati scientist who try to convince us that some invisible force keeps us from falling off the planet into space. How the hell would you fall into space? SPACE IS UP! Liars.